2015

January: Moved into my first apartment.

February: Brought home the newest addition to my family, Fleur (Flake) the Ball Python.

June: Went with my family on a road-trip to Canada and Washington State to visit family and friends.

July: Became the singer/songwriter for the band Cosmic Lullaby.

September: Turned 20; started my third decade. Also, my boyfriend move in with me.

October: I discontinued working at Chuao Chocolatier.

November: Studio tiiiime for Cosmic Lullaby!
Met my biological-father's dad; I MET MY GRANDFATHER!

December: -tba-

Dear Kaylin,

   One year ago, I heatedly poured all of my bottled emotions out onto my best friend-- my sister, and it burned her. There were many factors that fed my outburst, and none of them excuse how I handled myself...

Kaylin, I am sorry. I have learned a lot about myself and others within the past year and I am hoping we can communicate again. I love you and you cross my mind every day.

My cell number is still the same; call me?

Your goof, dork, and Pooh-Bear Companion,
Sarah

How to Grow Past Depression & Anxiety

Both depression and anxiety are a reality to some people.

BUT IT SHOULD NEVER BE AN EXCUSE!

People learn to live through it, to grow past the grasp those negative tentacles.

1) Inhale. Exhale.

2) Slow down.

3) Inhale. Exhale.

4) Prioritize.

5) Eat.

6) Inhale. Exhale.

7) *Follow through with making your day a gift, not a chore.*

8) Be with, hang with, eat with, laugh with, love those that make you feel positive, happy, genuine, and REAL.

9) ONLY do things that allow you to move in a positive, forward direction. Those priorities you made (above) should be parallel with where you work and what you spend YOUR TIME doing every day.

10) Inhale. Exhale.

There is much love, much warmth, and always a pair of arms wanting to hold you, whether a mom, a dad, a sibling, cousin, aunt, uncle, friend, teacher, roommate; even if you were to walk up to a stranger and repeat "I am in desperate need of a warm hug. By chance, may I ask you for a hug?"

Y o u W i l l F i n d A H u g!

Anxiety vs Depression

My senior year in high school,  I had irregular heavy periods and cramps that would hurt enough to make me vomit and have hot and cold flashes. So I started on a birth control called the Patch. At the time, I was just beginning my sexually active life and the extra precaution made me feel better. Unfortunately, it also brought my mood to a worsened state of such extremities that I gave up all of my friends and broke up with my boyfriend and hid away. I would cry every night to fall asleep and even went to the extent of writing a suicide note. I never gave it to anyone. I never needed to. The moment I was on the floor in my bathroom, bawling my eyes out with a pair of scissors in my hand was the moment I knew that if I continued on the path I was on without help, then I would fall down such a deep, dark, cold hole.
The next day, a professor of mine for recording arts asked me how I was, sincerely, because that is the type of person he is. He always asked me this, and I always answered in a positive way. He knew I had some struggles with school and college searches and finding a place to live once I hit 18. But this one day, he asked me, looking me in the eye, and I broke right there where I stood. Luckily, most students had already left, but he sat down with me and said that he knew there was more bothering me. I told him I had been suffering and he helped me not only calm down, but re-organize my plans and how I view things. He told me to not give up and keep looking at the light that surrounds us all everywhere. He may not have said these things word for word, but what he doesn't realize is how much he truly helped me.
I went off of the birth control on my own accord. I have experimented with different types since then and have concluded that I don't want to be giving my body a drug with its power, whether positive or negative.

Now.
For those of you who have been on a regular medication (or birthcontrol) and then stopped taking it, you know that your body goes through a withdrawl of sorts where your body's hormones must regulate. I haven't been on birth control since mid-June, 2015. Within the past few months, I have been learning to slowly deal with certain situations and people while my hormones have been haywire. It's been incredibly difficult, but Micah is learning, too, how to help me and understand me.

Personally, I always thought I was just a loose cannon, a looney, a "weird" one, insecure, a loser. That's how far down a negative spiral I was. Rest assured, I am a very confident, independent individual, very happy, very calm, and very present. I know that I was just lost before and that all I needed to do was pull myself out of that particular slump.

I have read several articles and listened to several stories similar to mine, and what people have been calling this "loose cannon, a looney, a "weird" one, insecure, loser" attitude is Anxiety.

I know that when I'm overthinking and stressing myself out and losing myself to my surroundings, or even worse, thoughts........it's irrational. Most people do not have an issue with listening to an entire conversation without their mind sneaking away to run in a direction parallel to what the person is talking about. The amount of times I interrupt people to comment on a passing car, person, or tree, literally, my mind just phases in and then back out.

What truly is dreadful is that when I am the person explaining, lecturing, or telling a story and I interject constantly about this and that little thing the story could probably do without---------AND THEN I FORGET WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT!
Poof!
Gone!
Vanished!
Sometimes I can reel it back in and continue, but often time my mind goes blank as if I was never discussing anything.

I have seen signs of my memory, more short-term rather long-term, and mind doing this exactly and it terrifies me.
Micah says I am always psychoanalyzing myself, which is strenuous to my behavior, habits, decisions, and mind.






I have so. many. T H O U G H T S! coursing through my mind at all times of consciousness.

I know mediation is lovely, and I do my best to practice often! But how else do people quiet their minds? Does anyone else ever feel the same?

13:38.

Present

Past:

1. Iguana ran away.
2. Wolf was the runt of the litter.
3. Music became insanely important in my life because I met and started spending a lot of time with Micah and Greg. Micah and I write songs and Greg plays solo guitar. I am currently working on letting the drawstring to my bag of songs stay constantly open. #CosmicLullaby
4. Micah and I started dating. Yes it's serious. Yes he's living with me. Yes he's an amazing cook and cooks for me often. I have learned that a love full of passion and dreams must have bumps every now and then so that the two may grow together as a couple; it is not easy.
5. Oh yes, and due to fortunate events and revelations, I have quit over-paying MiraCosta all together and have quit the American education system. From now on, I will learn on my terms.
6. Ah, last one: I quit Chuao Chocolatier. And then another cafe emplyee quit as did the manager and both assistant managers.
7. I really am in love with Micah. It's terrifying, obnoxious, infuriating, warm, mind blowing, happy, safe, healthy and age appropriate.

Future:

1. Music Students!
2. Looking for a new house, with Micah and hopefully roommates(?)!
3. Upgrading Fleur's tank because he got way bigger!

Ta ta 19:48.

Pre-back to almost-normal.

My mind has been blown it's too much for myself to handle writing it all down!
SO!
One day at a time, one post at a time.
What I have learned since my last post is...intense.

Normal is not being able to post everyday because you're busy with real life things-who, then, when busy-real-life-stuff happens, would sit down and blog still everyday?

Sorry! I've been busy!

But I will try to return once a week.

Update: -title is still to be established- will be published soon. <3

Much love,

Jupiter
9:00. Off to Chuao!

Peace.

Have you ever had to make a decision between what you want, knowing that it would probably be awesome, and doing what you think is morally and justifiably the right thing to do?

I'm scared. And...it's because all I have to do is leap and I'd be flying! I just know it.
But...time is measured for a reason.

I should really take time to meditate upon this.

Peace. 13:00.

Crywolf

I could have waited for you; I could've waited years.

But it's hard, you know, to wait on someone who doesn't want you, when you aren't even their first choice.

What's worse is I feel like I'm the convenient hole-filler. (Think less dirty and more emotional.)

Either people were off to college, or it was specifically a mutually-convenient fling, or I was just some girl, or we were just friends, or they were rebounding, or I was the new play thing, or they needed companionship before they joined the military, knowing that it was just a fling, and leading me on, or I wasn't good enough to stay true or to just stay, or I'm just ...at the sidelines.

I'm done waiting. I'm just going to go.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
And then you come back in at the most random of moments, hoping I wouldn't notice you checking me out. You think so little of me and still pop back in to remind me of what I miss.

But then, I miss every good moment, ever in my life, because those are the ones that truly count, that remind us how good being human feels.


Song of the Day: Bedroom Eyes - Crywolf & Ianberg

good night. 249.

Storm Warning = PMSing

Ladies & Gentleman, when a girl is going through her pre-menstrual cycle (The "before" her period) or her post-menstrual cycle (The "after" her period), she is often times going to be super clingy and annoying and bitchy, demanding her own way, OR she'll be very awkward and distant, feeling anxious and restless, wanting nothing but to feel normal again.

I...am a good mix of the two, I admit.

I was so busy and in the "go-go-go" mood that I hadn't eaten since Thursday night.
Which means I didn't eat at all Friday. I had many different beverages, but no food.

So last night I couldn't sleep. I was either too warm or too cold. And I just felt a little uncomfortable. I had no idea why!
I ended up going and sleeping on the couch as to not wake Matt up and fell asleep with the cat.

At somepoint in the middle of the night I must have woken up and walked back into the room because I woke up in the bed, not on the couch, and I was not carried back.

I ended up going home once I finally allowed the noises in the room to enter my consciousness and I woke up.

I treated my cat for fleas again, this time with  medicine, not a shampoo, and I completely cleaned out my fridge.

I realized how terrible irritated I was. I blogged--as previously posted, and I went to work.
Ordered food.
Drank water.
And I could feel myself returning. A natural high called "Being Myself Again" was just the dose I needed.
Plus the good company of my coworker, James was pleasant. Is pleasant.

I'm now looking forward to this evening. Before, I was going because it'd be good for me. But I'm excited to be out and about now. :)

Happy days are to stay positive.

18:06.

!!!Storm Warning!!!

The weather was misty and full gloom when I left on my roadtrip.

We started out with my grandparents in their truck with their dog Abby, and me, my mother, my sister, and her boyfriend in the jeep; both vehicles towing campers.

The first place we spent the night had giant ass cockroaches that swarmed everywhere on the ground.
That was also the first time that I smoked a joint with my mom.

The second night was better.

The 3rd day, we made it to my Aunt K's place up in Langley, B.C. We spent a week there.

• Drinking
• Cigarettes
• Pot
• Hash
• Drama
• Tensions
• Sass

But also

• Love
• Warmth
• Family
• Fun
• Happiness
• Belongingness.

I realized that even though through the friends I make, I make my own family, I have a family that loves me and holds me dear. I do belong somewhere, even if I don't always want to be there allllll of the time.

Important side note: I was really happy that I was able to spend time with my Aunt Heather. <3

We left Canada and spent the night in Forks, WA. We did some hiking in the rainforest there and at the beach down at La Push. AMAZING! GORGEOUS! Fun. :)

We went to Edwall, WA next. In the middle of fucking NO WHERE! But...I liked it. We were in the middle of no where, drinking wine, enjoying good food and Highly Missed company, and music, and bonfires, and pot, and warmth. I felt truly at peace there. <3

Walla Walla, WA was interesting. I loved being able to connect with my 3-year-old cousin. It was insanely hot, though. Anywhere east of Seattle was just desert. There were a ton of wheat farms, but other than that, everything looked dead to me. I am so happy that I was able to see my Aunt Becca and my Uncle. Being there was a lot of fun and I am SO happy that I was able to make it to go on this trip.

The drive back was brutal. Let's just summarize it all with one word: ESTROGEN

I'll leave you to your conclusions about my mother and sister.

Finally I was home! So happy!

Only to find out that Vanilla has fleas. So I shampooed her and cleaned the entire apartment (seeing as no one had since I left 17 days prior).

I went climbing later in the week. Hung out with friends. Said goodbye to Lexi who moved back to Boston. Spent a lot of time with Matt.

Had a bonfire. Only 2 people showed up. Most people didn't even tell me that they weren't going to show. They just left me hangin, waiting on them.Clint and Cage. It was "rainy" and no one wanted to drive to where I was saving the bonfire pit for them all day long.
I fucking missed saying goodbye to Trevor because of that. I'm fucking pissed!

But I'm glad that Kai and I got to catch up and spend time together.

Clint ended up dipping out and went to another party, which was understandable. Cage and I ended up moving things to her place down the road. Between darts and wine and good country music, I had an AMAZING night. So I'm really happy that things turned around.

I feel that lately, all I ever do is wait on others.

I drive here, I drive there, I buy this, I do that, I go out of my way to try to do things that will make others happy, and.........I'm left hangin. Waiting. Wondering.

And it's not as if I'm not doing my own thing...because I am. I just try to include others as well.

So.

Maybe I'll just stop including other.
Maybe I'll stop all social networking.
Maybe I'll just go and do where I wanna go and do what I wanna do.

I was able to hang out with Angel and met some of her friends. They seem really awesome. One of them, Greg, is super into music recording and mixing, so we're definitely going to meet up and see what we can come up with.

And things between me and Nuri had been a little off for the past 6 months, but everything seems....better. <3 Which is good. Because he's my bro. I just.....it's going to be hard allowing myself to trust him as much as I once did. Only time will heal.

I'm hormonal. Tired. Hungry (I haven't eaten since...Thursday night when I went to my mother's for family dinner and we ate tacos.
Wait.
No.
Later that night I ate fries from In-n-Out.

I just can't eat.
I can't sleep.
I can't focus.
I'm overly annoyed lately.
I'm confused.
I'm emotionally bruised.

And I feel like I'm just a person to fill spaces until something better comes along.
I don't feel wanted.
I don't feel appreciated.

I'm cranky.
I'm tired.
I just want to cuddle and take a nap without having anything to do all day.

I have a lot to say about what I feel, but I've been suppressing how i feel so that I don't come on too strong to everyone around me.

And I have work in half an hour and haven't showered or eaten yet.
Wish me luck.

...I'll be fine. I always am.

It's just.....It's not easy being strong. It's not easy to hold myself together and not need others. But, I can't need others, because who would I turn to? I can't always turn to my mom, as much as I love her.

Rant over due to time not because my thoughts are silent. My thoughts are raging like a hurricane, swirling my thoughts and emotions and bodily functions up into the air and around and bashing into my rib-cages and heart and stomach and ......k bye.

Happy Fourth?
Sing the star spangled banner whenever you see fireworks! (Or at least, sing it once today)?

14:05

Work is at 14:30. I will be late.

Human

I think too much and say a lot of wrong things.

Sometimes I love to be alone. Sometimes, I feel too alone.
And when that happens, I tend to accidentally smother people.
I've gotten better! I don't smother as much..
I guess it just stems from seeing so many people with a solid group or crew and I'm just..sitting at home with my cat, my piano, my books, and pens and paper, and my laptop.
Which is great! I love having these things and being able to spend some quality time with myself. :)
But
At the same time
All of my thoughts flood and pour into the cracks so that I feel stung, just a little bit.

I simply have to remember that I constantly make sure that there is shit I need to take care of, and that I just need to jump to doing those things.

Being a girl is hard.
Being human is hard.

But it's also beautiful.
Fun.
Inspiring.
Amazing!
Impressive.
Courageous.
Creative.
Colorful.
Lucky.

Trust your gut and follow your heart, and all will be well.

Today was the last day I'll have my long hair. In a way, I guess I'm grieving...but I'm also excited!

Meep. 23:00.
Good night.

PS: By the way...it isn't easy posting my thoughts and feelings and ponderings and such. I mean, I am still screening a lot of what I'd like to say...but, I'm at least sharing a good fraction of what runs inside my mind. And I share it so that the whole world could see, if they truly wanted to. 1)I know that no more than 32 people have looked at the things I post. 2)I think it's good for me to make myself vulnerable to some extent in some sort of way...to learn. I have a lot to learn--but then everyone always has a lot to learn until the day we die. Meep Okeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Bye for realzies this time. 23:08.

PPS: I lied. Wow..
I need to make sure that readers know...I know I'm down on myself pretty often, I know. But...I only point it out as a way to point it out to myself so that I can read how I felt in the moment, and learn about myself. I say and do a damn great amount of awesome, positive, inspiring and wonderful things. I feel like one of the luckiest people in the world! And I am so happy, so SO happy to be where I am today. I'm even happier because I pushed myself to get to where I am today..I'm proud of myself! And I should be! Yay me!
So I know I don't celebrate and point out all of the awesome things about myself alllllll the time...But......Now that I notice this..I'll try to remember to do that more often when it happens! I just..forget. Because, if I'm in the moment of such happiness and such........I'm not going to be on my laptop, usually, instead I'll be doing something or be with someone and would rather focus on the happy stuff in the moment.
So instead of dwelling in the random spur-of-the-moment-but-is-now-gone feeling of moodiness...I wrote about it..and now it's all gone!

Don't miss understand me, because it is a very easy thing for most people to do.
I, as the person I am, just take some time.
Let the moon phase in and out for a while before deciding on who you think I am.
I am lucky to have those who have stuck by me, no matter how far away they geographically are. <3
23:16.

My To-Do List...

...Before I leave on Thursday.

Tuesday

• DMV --> Car Registration
• Clean out clutter in car
• Clean sheets/laundry
• Clean bedroom
• Put away laundry
• Vacuum apartment thoroughly
• Clean kitchen /  organize fridge/freezer
• Sweep & Mop wherever I can
• Cat Box
• Make "Lists/Directions/Things" sheets for Lauren :p

Wednesday

• Hair
• Carwash/Vacuum
• Pack
• Go climbing
• Steal a kiss from someone*

Bonne nuit...

...That list isn't too bad. :P It's the work hours in the middle of the list that takes up the most amount of time.

1:20.

Ps....LET'S JUST KEEP KILLING PEOPLE & RIDING BEASTS, SHALL WE, GoT!?

To the North and Back!

There are some people that have a vibe to them, a certain glow that surrounds them and extends into those near them.

I have known many people of this sort, but one lady who entered my life most recently and glows so very, very bright, is Lisa Irwin Linksy.

Her heart will never stop growing, her love for music and family is forever inspirational, and I hope that I can aspire to be like her one day.

:) :') <3

CURRENTLY:

I woke Fleur up earlier and now he's just roaming around everywhere; my little adventurer! :')

LATELY:

Well, I always seem to jinx myself. I think jinxing will eventually happen, no matter what, at some point, but I guess I've waited long enough to gush.

I met someone*, completely by chance. About a month and a half ago, I was set up on this really shitty "set up" and, well it went nowhere. But I stayed a little while longer, mustering up enough courage and charm to start a conversation with the attractive guy standing 2 feet away.

Obviously, where I'm going with this is pretty clear.

I wasn't sure what to think for a good while; I had too many questions and self-doubt.

But then when I finally slooooowed the Fuck down and took a moment to really breathe...

I clicked back into place where I felt everything was as it should be, where everything was in balance.

Once I did that, things started going even better.

This guy* is really something. I really applaud his self-drive and motivation to do and continue to do what he loves. His creativity is probably more vast than I can currently imagine, but his humor strikes at every corner; at least, it is when I'm around.

I said this when I met him based off of what I could see and understand at the time: I don't think I've ever been attracted to someone as much I am to him.

But now that I've had a small sliver of time and a chance to get to know him better, I still stand by what I said.

The inspiration that fills the room--much like how it does with Lisa-- is truly astounding!

I like that I see thoughts flicker behind the hazel/green color of his eyes, yet most of the time I am unable to guess what is flashing there. I'm used to always being able to have some sort of idea or guess to the general idea in what people are thinking, but... I like that it isn't as easy with him.

His aura is one similar to Lisa's, as well, though his is shrouded by a thin layer of hazy mist, heavy with lessons yet to be learned about how to decipher his past, how to just be in his present, and how to grow as he enters his future.

Plus, the best compliment I have ever been given came from his mouth.

I strive to be a person that anyone may feel comfortable talking to me, confiding in me, and being able to express or tell me anything.

The fact that I met this man about a month and a half ago and he feels comfortable enough to tell me exactly that, that I have achieved being such a person...

Forever, I know that that is a compliment that will stick with me, no matter where I end up.

COMING UP NEXT:

Tomorrow

-8:30 am, Be at the DMV to pay my car registration that was due back in February

-Work from 9:30-3 at Chuao, & 3:15-5:30 teaching music

-Clean my car out

-Clean my entire apartment (To Do list will follow in next post)

I don't have any specific plans after that, otherwise. Maybe I'll convince someone* to watch a movie with me.

Wednesday

-Chop my hair off to somewhere between my jaw bone and shoulders/more color to my streak

-Maybe grab lunch with someone

-Work from 3:30-6:45 teaching lessons to 5 different students

-Go Home

-Pack for my trip

-Make sure everything is ready and prepared for Lauren to live at my place and use my car while I am away because she is going to take care of my cat!

-Remind people that I wanted to go climbing with them later that night.

-Go climbing for the last time before I return on Sunday, June 28th.

Thursday, June 11-Sunday, June 28th: I leave, roadtrip to the north and back, and return.

Don't worry. I am sure I will have plenty to say while I'm on my trip...my laptop is accompanying me, along with a good assortment of reading material.

Adieu, adieu! 1:10.

Fears

I am fearful of:

1. Being left behind.
2. Not being wanted for the right reasons.
3. Being attacked by something that I am unable to escape; i.e the ocean/creatures in the ocean, scary people.
4. Never being able to give birth to a child someday.
5. Losing my voice. (Because: Singing)
6. Losing a hand. (Because: Writing & Piano)
7. Going blind. (Because: Reading)

Regrets.

14

Regret 7.

7 are valid enough, though, none ever claimed my heart.

For 7, I was tricked. For 4, I really dislike.

3 years to truth and to explore. }Past.
vs.
8 years to mystery. }Past.

I've always been let down, never been lifted up. I'm done with all this trickery. I will not be afraid.

What if you lost everything? / How to stop screwing yourself over.

Imagine the thing you love to do most being taken from you for forever.

The lightest of touches never being able to feel the porcelain (or in my case, plastic) keys beneath your fingertips.

Your voice slowly quieting until it can no longer peep a sound; there are no more tunes that can escape.

Your brain has a mishap and is unable to form proper words, sentences, thoughts, and in turn, you are never able to imagine anything again; you're simply being told of what is, what was, and what will be because your body is incapable of creating anymore.

What if you are in a terrible accident leaving you without legs. That means no more dancing, let alone walking on your own.

Or if you lose both of your arms, how could one paint, or write, or drive, or feed themselves; do things on their own?

If you woke up one day with your memory to sew wiped clean and you have no idea how to do the things you really want to do: I want to make that dress like the one I made before, but unfortunately, I can't remember how to do any of the things I need to.

If you went blind...a sa
...How could you read the books you love? How would you feel being left with only your memories behind your eyelids?

No more...

...swimming,

...running,

...scoring,

...driving,

...throwing,

...writing,

...playing an instrument,

...cooking,

...video games,

...drawing or painting,

...creating,

...imagining.

Have you ever thought about what it is you do that makes you absolutely happy because you just love to do it so much?

Have you ever thought about what you would do if those things were taken from you?

People have gone through these things; they know and can relate to all of this.

Or even a step further: What if you couldn't love who you wanted to? What if there were people making up rules to say you can only love a certain kind of people and if you stray from their ways, you'll be punished?

There are people like that. There are people who are told this. There are those people that make those rules.

Or even worse: What if you you didn't have any control over your own body?
What if you couldn't pee, eat, bathe, etc. until someone told you to do those things?

If you were told to use your body a certain way, even if it hurts, even if you're not expected to live through the pounding? What if you were raped repeatedly, over and over again, because someone else was in charge of what you did or did not do with your own body?

If you lost your mind or your body, as many in the past and present have...

How would you make sure that you survive?

Would you hold onto the hope of someone you love?

Love has been taken from you; you're not allowed to feel it.

Pray for a savior?

Your hopes and dreams have been crushed. You're all alone and there's nothing you will ever be able to do about it.

Try to fight?

That fist you just used to punch back with has been chopped off. Learning lessons is hard in a tough world.

Wait for death?

But you're replaceable and you wouldn't have achieved anything; nothing would've been stopped; people are still suffering.

OH GOOD!

You're not one of those people being told that you're going to hell, that there is no paradise for you.

Oh, you're not one of the sex slaves in a far off country.

Alright, you're not one of the ones who have acquired brain damage, or okay cool, you weren't in a dreadful accident leaving you blind, burned, limbless, etc.

Good for you! That means you don't have to care or worry about those people, then.

Those people whose bodies and minds are turning on themselves and attacking them--oh that's no you?

Okay, phew! Move right along then, don't worry.

To lose the very thing you love most...

To lose the very person you love most...

To lose everything that makes you who you are...

...well those are just things. Who are you without those things?

Who are you without the people and things you love most?

Are you strong enough to remember? Strong enough to forget?

Strong enough to find out? Strong enough to end your life over it?

Don't worry. There is a strong chance that you will never have to find out in your lifetimes.

But people in the past have. People right now are figuring this out. People in the future will have to decide.

If you have the chance, the ability, the freedom to love whomever, to do anything that makes you happy, and to spend your everyday doing whatever you do so desire...

Then do not waste time and energy. Do not second guess yourself. Do not wonder about the "What ifs" of the things you already have or could reach out and achieve...

You have no idea how truly lucky you are...if you hesitate. 

Let the emergency brake of you life be broken away and allow yourself to be, to do, to see, to love, to smile, to laugh, to live.

How to stop screwing yourself over

13:20.

To Risk or To Fail...To Live Wandering or To Live Wondering?

Have our thoughts been too narrow?
Every language..
Every job..
Every dream about paradise...
   For all we know, we are already IN paradise, just waiting to move onto the next phase of our journey.
      How would you feel if were all just soldiers in a battle somewhere off in the distance, and once we died, we all came here, to make our own choices, to live whatever lives we may choose, to love who we decide to love, to eat what we decide to eat, to do whatever we want or feel the need to do?
         Would you feel that you're wasting the life you've been given? Are you using up this life to do anything and everything you love? And if time was relevant, would you feel that Your Time is slipping away?
            And in the end of it all, will you have kissed all that you wished you had? Would you have traveled to anywhere you desired? Would you have told those you love that you love them? Did you keep those that mattered the most in your life close by? Did you live without regrets because you boldly decided to take complete and total control of your life?
So far, most people have lived by standards that others have set for them. Learn this, learn that, this is more important, that is foolish, do this, don't do that, love this person, you cannot be this kind of person, follow these dreams, don't jump into life expecting to land somewhere because that's too risky--

Take. Your. Risks.

Take. Those. Chances.

If your heart breaks, don't worry, it is fixable.

If you lose all hope and have only doubts, then why not take the risk anyways?

This is your life.

So what if...

...you never tried?

To fail is not failing if you tried and learned something along the way.

To not try and never know at all what could be or could have been is the true definition of failing.

Don't become one of those people that wonder what if, what might have been, what you wish you could change or take back.

Be one of those lives others hear about that wandered everywhere and anywhere that you felt was the place you wanted, you needed to go; and wandered with those you felt were connected to you by invisible forces.

I choose to risk, not fail, and I choose to wander, not wonder. I choose.

Do you?

23:46.

Peace.

Being Sappy :: PS- Chocolate

I came to a realization.

I am not just a dreamer, I'm a BIG dreamer. If thoughts could be unhealthily obese, mine are exactly that.
I go over the top.
My imagination doesn't have any limits.

I am so happy with where I am in my life and who I have become, and wanting to share my happiness with others...I love being able to do that.

Sometimes I get lost in all of my thoughts and dreams that I don't realize what is happening right in front of me.

I don't need nor want to rush anything in my life.
The past couple of months have been a rollercoaster ride, and I'm beginning to think the rest of the year(aside from life) will be much like the same. So I may as well strap in and enjoy the ride, right?

 My dreams may go far, but I do come back eventually. I do wake up from my daze.

I'm just a silly, quirky girl that has achieved a lot, and has a lot more to accomplish and overcome.

I'm mostly just thankful for all of the truly wonderful friends that I have that remind me of who I am, who I've become, and how far I still have to go--they remind me to look at my two feet to see where I'm walking; often times my head is up above the clouds and in the stars.

All of my friends may not live close most of the time, but they're still there for me. I feel so lucky. :')

I just hope to keep these bonds strong.

10:22.
PS: Of anyone wants chocolate, come into Chuao Chocolatier in Encinitas before 3pm today! :)

To Live In The Present..?

Last night, a friend told me that I was too young to want what I want; that I'll have to wait in the test of the world and gain some more years before others around me want the same things I want.

"You want something mature and stable, long-lasting, don't you?"

I said yep, pretty much. He said that it will never happen because I'm only 19 and once I'm older, that's when people would take me seriously.

But not only myself, but my sister as well: we've beaten those odds. We both finished high school at age 17. My sister moved out soon after that, and I moved out when I was 18. I got my own place when I was 19. We both got and paid for our own cars (with some family loans, but we're paying them back each month. My sister found a guy that became not only her best friend, but they have a future planned out.

Now I don't necessarily want to scare anyone away by planning a future out--those things come over time.
But to be 19, emotionally 19, but mentally 30,.....my mind is supposed to wait some odd amount of years until I no longer have to question how long the relationships I am in will last?
Bullshit.
I know people my age that have people and it seems they're in it for the long-haul. Maybe they are, and maybe they aren't. But they're trying. They are both in their relationship thinking that this is who they want, this is who they love, this is who they always want to be around.
They don't think that this is an "only-for-right-now" person or an "until I leave" person or "this will never last but it's fun until I decide to stop responding."

I truly don't understand people.
And for a little while, I thought maybe it was location. But then, I've moved so often that, I soon came to the realization that running away for only that reason was dumb.

I want to get married and have kids SOMEDAY, but I certainly do not want those things Right Now. Especially since no one's proven that I can even trust them in the present.



To live in the present. Fine. Yes. This is true, it is a wonderful idea to follow.

🍻Cheers to living, and living happily, by yourself.

13:54.

Ps, I went to sleep around 3-3:30 last night...and I just recently woke up. Gooooooood days. 😊

Not ashamed.

I am not a shamed to be my age.

Most people my age still live at home or their parents are paying for where they live.
Their food is being paid for.  Their phone bills are being paid for. they go on vacation that have been paid for them. And if they do have a job it is to pay for the extra things that they may like to have in their life. Most people my age have vehicles that were paid for by someone other than themselves. However that is most, that is not everyone.

Most of the people that I hang out with are a good few years older than me, and are just now getting their own place or have recently moved out on their own and in with roommates. Most people I hang out with are either already done with college are reaching further into their schooling. And most people I know have no clue what they want to do with their life.

I am 19 years old.
I am a successful, self employed private music teacher.
The only reason I am going to college is to further my dream. I want to combine music art and dance therapies;  anything creative I want to integrate it into my creative therapy hopes.

I balance my time wisely and practically.
I have time to study, I have time to work TWO jobs, plus babysitting on the side whenever asked of me, I have time to care for my pets and to clean my car and apartment, I have time to eat properly and to exercise,  I have time to socialize with whoever I choose to spend time with, and I have time to spend time doing whatever makes me happy, to do whatever I want to,

I make the mistake of trying too hard to get people to like me, so that they never see who I truly am or how big and warm my heart is until everything is already screwed up.

I want to be surrounded by good, healthy people; people who are inspiring, people who encourage me in a positive direction!

I always see the good in people, or at least the good that they have the potential to be, before I see how they're really treating me or who they are actually taking me for. And unfortunately, seeing the good and nothing else in people until it's too late has allowed for me to not see when I'm being used, or treated poorly.

I love myself, I treat myself well. I love SO MANY PEOPLE and I treat others just as well.
People make mistakes, and I am not shy of having made any, myself.

I think it is time to be the leaf, to be a leaf in the wind, to be as fiery and passionate as a flame,  to keep the roots I have in the ground planted firmly, not allowing anyone or anything to uproot me, to float to the depths of life as if it is the sea, yet still allow myself self the ability to come up to breathe. I will be my own star in the darkness.  I will be my own rays of light and warmth.

I need people, just as much as anyone else, but I need to find the right people, the ones who...will actually care about me as much as I would care about them.

And for the record, I HAVE those people. I have friends that are exactly that! And I love them each, with all of my heart!

I'm not saying I want to plan out my forever. And I'm definitely not saying that I want someone to spend time with for only Right Now.
What I want is to care about those that deserve what I have to offer,, and to be cared for back in return.

On a lighter note, after work today, I stayed with the kids that I was teaching and pretty much watched after them and got dinner until their parents came home.  It was their mothers birthday and she has been so kind to me, so I am so very very glad that I was able to celebrate singing her happy birthday!
Those girls made my heart feel a light and happy. 😍😂😘 I always love spending time over at their house.

Now I am on my way to go watch a movie with a friend that is back in town; Hopefully I can keep my spirits up after spending a wonderful time with the girls!

21:32.

Rose and Oliver

Rose is a little bit of a mixture between myself and my sister.
She's quirky and warm-hearted, yet not afraid to be a badass or hardass when need be.
She looks like a blend, if you blended my sister and I into one physical body.
She loves to cook and get her hands dirty in the garden.
(Hopefully this will never be true) However, Rose is unable to carry children to term after she had her daughter, so she decides to adopt in order to have a second child.
This is where Oliver comes into play. Oliver is seven and a painter, and even though he wasn't born into the family, he was meant to be there. The mystery of the contents in the desk drawer
Oswald, Odin, Owen, and now him, coincidentally have an O in his name, too.

The power of creativity runs strong within Rose's family. She doesn't paint, but she does draw, and sometimes when she's tired enough, she'll think she sees her little scribbles wriggle around on her paper. This power is usually stronger in the males of the family..though there is hope for Amelia, Rose's daughter. Mike, Rose's husband, was the silent reading type that enjoyed math and philosophy, but he snagged Rose by using poetry to claim her heart; that and many, many roses.








Gosh I'm excited!
1:19.

I love you, Kaylin Grace Chapman!

There is so much I want need to share with her.
So much has happened in the past six months.
So much has happened in the past 8 years since we truly reconnected.

I want her to know all of the things she made me feel within the past 8 years.
I want her to know that I pushed all of those "unwanted" and "not important enough" feelings aside because they were minuscule when compared to the "belonging" and "loved" and "family" and "support" and the "no-matter-what-happens-good-or-bad-I'll-always-have-your-back" feelings that surround us when we do spend time together.

She is one of the most important people in my life! I will not let her just walk away. I will always be there for her no matter the situation.

What I wonder is...

How long will she play out this charade of ignoring me?

If I were to die, would she attend my funeral?
If I were to find myself pregnant, would she open her arms to hug me and be there for me?
If I were to get married, would she even celebrate with me?

These are all things off in their own distance (hopefully)..but that is exactly my point. Will it take those things to break her free and cure her of this blindness? Or if any of those things finally occur, will she still be hellbent to ignore and avoid me over some hurtful things said to one-another?

I need my best friend! I need her more than I care about how hurtful things have been in the past. I need her more than her "what if" scenarios. I need her more than I need to sit here and write about it in hopes that she'll read it because I know she won't listen to me any other way.

I'd write another song about it,
I'd stand on top of the world to show off a poster big enough where she couldn't help but pay attention.
I'd contact radio shows and have them say a blurb every hour on the hour.
I'd write a book about her.
I'd bombard her with flowers.

I know it sounds like I'm in love with someone, and in a way, I am in love with her, but she's my best friend! She's supposed to know me better than I know myself.

She's supposed to know that I have never and would never hide ANYTHING from her.
She's supposed to know that of course I would feel that way about her bailing on me and never attending things that were important to me, especially since I attended most of the things that mattered to her.
She's supposed to know that I have been miserable for the past 6-7 months that she's been...gone. Gone from my life.

Great, here come the tears...
My cue to leave and stop typing.

I love you, Kaylin Grace Chapman! I love you with all of my heart. You're...you've always been more than just my best friend...you've been a sister; you've been true family to me.


"The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life." -Richard Bach, Illusions, 1977


12:54.

Love thyself. "Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try."

Is it too much to ask to love someone and be loved in return?
Of course not.
What people don't remember is that they have the capability of loving themselves.
To say that one loves themselves was once considered vain.
Today's society is turning over a new leaf.
It is just as important to love yourself as it is to love others.
I love a lot of people and I love easily.
To say I am young is true and to say that I've never been in love may also be true, but what I do know is that I am 100% comfortable in my own skin and in my own mind.
I love a lot, I love deeply, and I love true, often times even for people that I have only just met.
So I can only imagine what my future will be like when I finally feel in love.
However, per chance that that in love feeling never beats quite how I feel about myself.
I mean, I love myself!
And if how I feel about myself is in any comparison how much love I can give to someone else, I want to give it!
I want to share my every day with them.
I want to imagine future possibilities.
I want to know someone as well as they know themselves, if not better.
I want to make them feel safe warm and a part of something greater than just themselves.
There is so much I want to give, but I would be lying if I didn't say that I do wish for this in return.
To have someone there for you as much as you are for them is a gift.
To love someone entirely and be loved in return is beautiful.
I have seen it time and time again, I have read story after story about it, and I have had so many dreams.
I know my past and where I've been, and I know where I am now. Where I want to be in the next 10 years may change drastically or insignificantly.
I do know that I want to be somewhere it is green and rains often. I want to live where the town is like a giant family.
I wants to live where the wind whispers across the water and sings through the trees. I want to live somewhere creatures create music, day or night.
Eventually, I will want to be married and have a family of my own. I want to adopt and save as many pet animals as I can manage.
I want to live somewhere that is quiet so that I may be in peace to write or compose at a single whim.
Mostly, I want those that I know to understand that I believe in them and will help them along the way.
I am always interested knowing about new questions, new concerns, and new ideas.
I want to help people to understand that they can use their imagination to build their creativity and go anywhere that they want to in this universe.
All you have to do..is do it.
"Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try." -- Yoda

My Mother.

"Thank you for not aborting me.
Thank you for not giving me up.
Thank you for not leaving me behind.
Thank you for sharing all of your crazy stories.
Thank you for loving me.
Thank you for teaching me..
..to be strong
..to fight
..to never give up
..to love unconditionally
..to hug
..to care for others as deeply as you do
and so much more.
Thank you for knowing when I need you even if I resist.
Thank YOU for being MY mom. :')
I truly, truly could not ask for anyone better suited for such a high role in my life than you.
I love you, Christy Marie Wilkerson!!! <3"

My mother was 16 years old in January when she learned she was pregnant.

She turned 17 later, in March, and had me in September.

Even when she couldn't physically support me, she was always there for me; she always loved me.

And I know that with each passing day that that love grows and grows.

I honestly don't know who I would be if I did not have her in my life.

I love you, Mom! <3

Truth is Easy

Telling the truth isn't as hard as it seems...just get the ball rolling and it will get easier.

22:41.

To Be Present.

A very specific conversation from last night clings to my thoughts.

To be present both now, and in the future, because I have not always been present in the past.

It was noted that usual complaints from most of society is...on a surface level. For, if it weren't for this, then it'd be that, and if not for today, then tomorrow would be something just the same.

Even on here, I have complained, whined, cried, vented, explained, breathed, and let everything out.

Is any of what I talk about important?
Some.
Not most of it, though.

In my mind, what I think would count as important would be if I got to show off my students, or travel the world and take endless photos and share amazing stories, to teach and inspire, to show others that they are not alone.
To show people how to notice the beautiful things if but a weed by the side of a freeway.
These are all important to me.

Years ago, a friend told me that it is not a relationship I was ever in search for, but a companion. Today, my psychology class defined two types of "love":

• Romantic Love (Which is actually just lust of sorts)
• Companionate Love (Which sprouts from friendship, from deeper places, from truly knowing someone by their mind, heart and soul)

Reading this...made sense.

I care for strangers.

I love those I keep close to me.

And "in love" is something I have hoped I'd have been in the past, though I know much was blindingly false.

I have been in love with myself (not in a narcissistic way). It is good to love one's self. I think I have been setting such high standards to match up (at least) to my own that, yes, I shaved off the phases most people go through in agony and heartbreak...But what those people learned during those times is to love themselves, to know which direction the wind blows for them.

I am a planner, and though my wind blows daily in a direction of its choice...I have general idea that where I'm headed is there, deep down somewhere, but should I pull it out? Aren't I too young to pull that out?

What do I absolutely want most?

Peace.

To give Love.

To receive Love.

Inspiration.

Creativity.

Knowledge.

Teaching,

Home.

Belonging to someone and/or somewhere. (Of course, I can always just belong to myself...)

Family.

Passions.

Adventures.

Food.

That was my brainstorm. I want nothing else. I see nothing else in view just quite yet. I feel I have jumped ahead to a place that even those I surround myself with are not close to being there yet. So what do I do?...What am I going to do?

I have just decided that I will talk to old people.
And people I admire. And people that I know are knowledgeable.

Life is work, and there is always something to be actively doing at work.

20:41.

Day or Night: Human

There are people, and there are times, and there are people for those times.
Some people last a second, and some last a lifetime.
You live and you should learn and make many mistakes.

One of my favorite quotes is:

"Dear Human: You've got it all wrong. You didn't come here to master unconditional love. That is where you came from and where you'll return. You came here to learn personal love. Universal love. Messy love. Sweaty love. Crazy love. Broken love. Whole love. Infused with divinity. Lived through the grace of stumbling. Demonstrated through the beauty of... messing up. Often. You didn't come here to be perfect. You already are. You came here to be gorgeously human. Flawed and fabulous. And then to rise again into remembering."

I didn't come here to be perfect. I came here to be gorgeously human. Flawed and fabulous. I came here to love deeply and often. I came here to explore and adventure, wander anywhere I dare. To encourage and inspire. To be inspired and touched. To feel and to let my walls down. To be a companion. To be the writer of my own story. To leap, jump and dive into the unknown, willingly.

I create.
I wander.
I dream.
I sing.
I play.
I wish.
I hope.
I love.
I hug.
I kiss.
I breathe.
I run.
I climb.
I always look up, day or night.
I live.
I wonder.
I create.
I wander.
I dream.
I sing.
I play.
I wish.
I hope.
I love.
I hug.
I kiss.
I breathe.
I run.
I climb.
I always look up, day or night.
I live.
I wonder.
I create.
I wander.
I dream.
I sing.
I play
I wish.
I hope.
I love.
I hug.
I kiss.
I breathe.
I run.
I climb.
I always look up, day or night.


Peace. 20:08.

Thank you.

Also, I know that I've been down for a wee bit of time, and I want to say thank you to those who came to me and told me that they are there. There are more warm hearts than I expected and I am so, so grateful that you peeps are there.

Much love. Much peace. 22:31.

Oxytocin/Depression/Creativity

I think I figured out what is wrong with me. And that isn't a negative thought or a complaint. I'm happy that I think I figured it out! Because now that I can pinpoint the problem, I can resolve it!

Now, correct me if I am wrong, because..I love to learn. :)

Both men and women have the hormone oxytocin in their system. If you go on google and "define oxytocin" it will tell you that it has something to do with a female's uterus and breastfeeding and--Nope! Well, yes.....But that is not the only case.

Basically when we, both male and female human beings, are stressed, cortisol is dumped into our brains. A natural hormone to counteract that cortisol is oxytocin.
     Side note: The reason I suck at test is not because I have testing anxiety, specifically. It is because      I am anxious about being stressed, which in turn stresses me out, and cortisol can cause memory          blanks and forgetfulness. To me it always feels like tip-of-the-tongue phenomena, or I simply do        not recall anything when I definitely studied...So, my Psych teavher does not believe in testing            anxiety. Well, if you pair Anxiety to the Stress and Pressure that taking a test puts on                            you...BOOM. There's your testing anxiety.
Oxytocin is in both men and women. Men are pumped with testosterone, which all in all tells oxytocin to disappear. Which is why men can get stressed out by daily hassles more than women. Women, however, just have a few tricks up their sleeves in order to boost this hormone:

• Cleaning a lot
• Hugs
• Cuddling
• Talking (while someone actually listens)
• Hanging out in a group where they feel they belong, feel safe, calm, relaxed.
• Bonding (one-on-one hangout sessions)
• Etc. (The "girly" things that we chicks tend to do.)

But people, both men and women practice these frequently, which certainly explains why the participants seem happier, healthier, warmer, and stronger than those who don't practice these things:

• Meditation
• Yoga
• Exercise in general
• Creative arts (music, painting, sculptures, dancing, acting, photography, etc.)

With that said, before I move onto my blurb about Creative Therapy..

What is wrong with me specifically, I believe, is I have anxiety. I did not realize this until recently when I few people made some comments that I could very much relate to. (I always thought I was just crazy or depressed.)

My anxiety about people leaving me has to do with me losing my easy connections to my oxytocin boosts time and tie again. Women have more tricks to have these boosts whereas men do not [like to do these things; even think to do these things; admit to desire these things, too, so they brood by themselves]. So personally, I attach myself to these great groups of people where I feel I belong, where I feel connected and safe and relaxed whenever I am with them. And when I find these people, all I want to do with my free time is spend as much time as I can with them because oxytocin not only makes us all feel gewd insiiiiiide, but it balances out our stress levels from day to day.

So when people end up putting space between me and them, I lose that easy connection to boost my nervous system with oxytocin; I lose that easy connection to let go of that stress, to relax, to feel happy almost immediately. And with the absence of this "easy connection", I feel the opposite: I feel alone, sad, depressed, everything's about me and my problems (though I try to listen as much as I can to others and how they need to be listened to, too). BAD! Sooo Soo So SO bad. This is not good. This is not okay! Here I go time after time feeling sad and lonely and "depressed", when I'm not depressed, precisely, I've just been so used to a certain amount of a specific hormone running through my body that the absence of it has me squirming!

And I think (as long as I have still been on the correct track throughout all of this) that kids and most teenagers who go through school and are told by their doctors and families that "oh, they must just be depressed".....That the real case is THIS! I mean, clearly the absence of oxytocin causes some sort of depression in our bodies, but it isn't the same as being mentally ill with depression to where you need to take anti-depressants! People need to be told and understand about this hormone. As soon as they realize that maybe this is why they feel so blue at times...is the time they can pinpoint their problem, claim it as their own, and re-take control in their lives starting with how they view the new day.

Any thoughts? And ideas?

So. Now I'll blurb about Creative Therapy.

The reason creative therapy is a good idea is because all of these creative processes (music, art, dance, photography, writing, etc.) help reduce stress levels because they boost oxytocin.

When stress levels are lowered, people allow the mind to clean up, to balance, organize, prioritize and come to a self-realization about what they've been doing wrong, OR RIGHT, in their lives, and then are allowed to come up with solutions with what to do about this or that that has them stressed, confused, and mind-boggled.

Food for thought. Lemme know if I am entirely wrong on this.

I'm just....happy. :)

22:18.

I'm Done. See Ya!

When I was younger, I would take everything to heart. On top of that, I've always been pretty empathetic.
For a while I felt everything the moment I was supposed to.
Eventually, I was tired of all of the hurt, the betrayal, the sadness, the loneliness.
I shut it off. Or at least, I bottled up for a later date and time to cry about it and feel it.

Recently, someone close to me told me that it was probably not healthy. That I should FEEL what I'm supposed to feel as it happens! Ya'know....you live, you learn, you move on.

So now I am stuck in between feel Very happy and bottled up...and very depressed at the same time.

Within the past six months, I have been lied to, led on, used, left, ignored, cut out, left behind, deleted, and everything has made me feel so lost! I'm in and out of tears as I write this.

I have had SO many great things happen, though, too. I moved out and into my own place. My roommate is awesome! In total, we have 4 pets. I upgraded on a bed size. I got to have and decorate my own room for the first time since I was 11 years old. I've met new people and made new friends.

But no one is close. My four three best friends all live out of state.
Shelby --> Wisconsin.
Lauren --> Utah.
Theresa --> Texas.

Kaylin ...erased herself from my life. I won't let her go, though. I can't. She's my Kaylin, she's my best friend. She's who holds me together. She's the one constant since I was born; as long as we know of each other and miss each other and are friends, then I am okay. I am sane. I am whole.

But I'm not whole. I'm very broken.


About a year ago, I started hanging out with these new friends I had made.
Nuri, a Turkish goof that..reminded me of truth, reality, of who I strive to be. He and I grew close. He seemed to get me, listen to me, know how to make things make sense in my head where others had failed. He became a really important person in my life. I don't consider people family just on a whim, but he became somebody that I wanted as a brother in my life. He felt like family, he treated me like family.
Andrew, a hippie no doubt, is really into music. And I could relate, because so am I. He's really talented and has a really kind heart. I know that I can always find a friend in him because he's just...a mellow, awesome person that just tries to do his best, which everyone loves him for.
Rob isn't as goofy as he is simply a dork. Super silly, but really smart. He always knows how to lighten up a situation. :)
Carson is hilarious. He really holds himself up in a manner that makes him outgoing and really easy to talk to. We get into these serious talks sometimes and I really enjoy being there for him as he is for me.
And Connor..is a wicked person. In the cool sense, of course. He's witty, always has something to say, and tries to do the things that make the most sense to him. Plus, he's really good a writing raps.
Wally is a sweetheart. He's usually chillaxed and thoughtful, but can be silly and creative too. It's always a good time when we get to hang with Wally.

So then I moved...
And my Aunt didn't keep her word about paying them for helping me move. I had told them that even though she said she'd do that, there was still a chance that she wouldn't because she's old and a wee bit senile.
Well, she never paid them.
And the school semester started up. Which meant that everyone would be super busy and wouldn't be able to hang out very often.
But then ...zero responses.
Sometimes Andrew would respond..and I got a reply from both Carson and Connor. Which made me feel as if everything wasn't at a loss and it was just my anxiety making me paranoid.
But Rob won't answer back.
Nuri is completely ignoring me, to the point that he deleted me on Snapchat (which doesn't seem like a big deal, but if there was a bible for snapchat, Nuri would preach it), so I became very confused.

I though for a day that things were getting better! I waved away my doubts and moved on.

And then I wasn't invited, again. And I was ignored, again.
And.
Do I deserve to cry this much over people who I thought cared about me but flipped a switch and never go to see how I am?
If I died, how long would it take them to know about it? Until someone in my family finally posted to Facebook about it!?
So.
I've decided.

I'm leaving Facebook.

I'll still have Instagram, and Snapchat. And my phone. (duh).

But this world of Facebook doesn't help with socializing and communication. It shows you all of the good and bad times that these people you care about are having yet never said a word to you about.

I try to reach out to my family by blood that I learned about in the past 8 years...but still I'm only a reminder of disappointment or guilt, or both. I love my father. And I forgave all of them for...forgetting about me, for ignoring my existence.
But until they forgive themselves, nothing will be resolved.



I'm tired of crying over people that matter to me. And I'mm supposed to cry, because I'm supposed to feel everything at he time I feel it, and not bottle it up for later.

I'm leaving Facebook in the sense that I'll only go on when I have something great.

Many people have told me that they really appreciate what I post and that it really opens a door to them when they feel a little lost. Because I read these articles and pictures that are just inspiring and helpful to me that....if they helped me at all, I hope that they'll help others, too.

So I'll still post these posts. Hopefully happier ones in the future. I'll still post the songs I listen to in the car and sing. I'll still post pictures of event that I think are great. My tumblr account will still share my instagram photos on my feed.

But if you want to reach me.....get my phone number. Email me.

I just need a break for a while. I need to find a place where I feel like I belong again, because clearly......I don't belong anywhere right now.


And I'm getting there, I'll admit. But I'm not as far as I'd like to be.

My bonfire event is this Friday. I expect to be back on Facebook that day, then.

If you want to reach out, you know how to reach me.

If you actually read this...I'm sorry I've been a downer lately. I just hate having to call people and cry on the phone. So. I mentally (and literally, on and off, like a kid playing with a hose) cry here. Where...I can't see your faces.
Or sympathy.
Or disgust because you didn't like what you read.
Or your negativity because you think I complain too much--No. I vent. Complaining is whining about things that you cannot change, and if I can change it, I do. If there's even a chance of changing something, I try my damnedest.

I need real people, who really care about me, who won't desert me, and will be there for me as much as I'm always there.
I don't leave people, at least, not without a legit and reasonable reason (THAT I TELL THEM) to where the other person can understand.

I think I'll restart the #100dayshappychallenge but for 2015.
I need to document, go back and remember that I have been happy everyday. Because...I forget. And I hurt. And it sucks.

...I'm okay. I will be better.

"One breath and one step forward at a time." - Jupiter (For those of you who don't know, this is my musician name.)

Peace. 19:57. Time to call Shelby back and not cry. I cried here and am done now. <3

Sixth Tattoo

So this happened today:






And for the first time in a few weeks, I am exhausted and ready to sleep!

But I fear that if I sleep now, I'll wake up later and not fall back asleep again...

I also heard from my little sister that she doesn't have to graduate high school! She passed the test (in every section) and will leave Canyon Crest Academy with her GED! I'm sooooo proud of her!

Also, apparently I've lost weight...my mother noticed...
I wonder if I have or if they just haven't seen me in a while...

Where's a scale????!

Out of the six tattoos I now have, I believe this one covers the most space.

Okay..that's it for today..

Peace. 20:54.

#GiveHelp

I desire vast amounts of forests and history caked into the ground, not uprooted from their homes from where they were born, grew and thrived.

I want to see animals and people, places that you only know to be in movies but are Actually Real.

I want to spread creativity across the globe.

I want to spread confidence and positivity to everyone.

I don't want a single soul to think or feel that they are not wanted or not meant to be here, living here on this planet.

There is *always* a reason, always a dream, always a thought, and always a heart full of hope and passion..

People will *always* need help, whether it's minor or great. ‪#‎GiveHelp‬

2:17. I tried to go to sleep early...and then a little later (still early)...and then little later...and then at normal time...and then now. Ugh. Grr. 2:28.

Dear New Girlfriends (I think)

I.
Am Not.
Interested.
In your boyfriends.
Why?
Because they are my friends.
Furthermore, they are my brothers; yeah, they're family to me. And they mean So Goddamn much to me.
So, does it completely break my heart when they no longer reply or even look at my messages, let alone invite me to any of the stuff you all do together?
100%.
I haven't hung out with a group of girls since high school. In fact,I've been hanging out these guys instead because they are just as adventurous and supportive as I try to be. They are amazing dudes, each and every single one of them.

If allllllllllll of your super close friends either moved out of state and/or started relationships to where you are just ...left out of the picture and never included in things anymore? How would you feel?

Yeah..You'd feel worthless, and shattered, and very, very lonely.

And yeah, I've moved 15 times, so yes, I do know how to make new friends.
But that isn't the point. The point is that I wish to keep my family a part of my life, through thick and thin. So stop being jealous and controlling. I'm not going to try and do anything; besides, you should trust them and believe in yourself enough to know that they are crazy about you if they call you their girlfriend.

And if for some reason, it isn't because of you Girlfriends..

Then my deepest apologies.

I must be very confused about something because NO ONE WILL EXPLAIN WHY THEY ARE IGNORING ME! :'( </3

I'll write more later about other stuff.

20:16.

PS:

When people reach a breaking point..one of two things happen.
1) People fall apart, completely and utterly shattered, not knowing where to go, who to be, or what to do with themselves.
2) People get up, brush themselves off of all the hurt and pain, and move on.

I don't want to move on again after having moved on time and time again...But it's starting to look like I'll have to.

Thinking more about this a few minutes later, I realized that if the boiz cared enough about me at all, they'd come to their senses and remember to be a good friend. But...just like all things in life, there's a chance that they don't care. Not anymore. And I'm not sure what I did or said or what they did or decided that changed how our friendship was viewed...but if this was the case..then I'd at least like to know why. That way I can move on without feeling extremely hurt and left behind.

:(

I'll still post more later. 20:22.

The Good (of "The Bad & The Good")

The Good (of "The Bad & The Good")

The Good

• Before my first birthday, I gained a dad. And he raised me, and he loves me, and I don't know who I would be if he had never entered mine and my mother's life.
• Before we moved to WA when I was 6, my dad taught me how to fish. My mother home schooled me kindergarten and first grade and taught me how to read.
• For both my 7th and 8th birthdays, my parents helped me plan, set up, and throw my first real birthday parties where friends showed up. We had so much fun!
• For my 7th birthday, my dad got me a puppy: it was really tiny and meow all the time. I named her Vanilla because the name was suggested and her tail really does look like a vanilla bean. Also, she's actually a cat.
• I was one of the leads in a musical at my elementary school. I was Franny the frog singing about how we shouldn't want to fly away from our problems, we should just face them. Ironically, the idea of flying somewhere (with flying powers) fascinates me.
• I knew my parents would always be there for me, and when I was 9, I finally realized just how far my parents would go to protect me. :')
• I also found my love of pet snakes when I was .
• One of my best friends now, I met back when I was 10. We were definitely each other's arch enemy, but we made it strong and true in the end. <3
• My partner-in-crime, the one girl who stayed my friend throughout it all when I was 10 & 11.....I will always hold a place for her in my heart. I love you, Jacky!
• When I was 12, I not only reconnected with my BEST FRIEND EVER (Kaylin), but I made my first best friend at a school. We read off the announcements and spoke the national anthem over the loud speaker every morning. "Have a Great Day, Bobcats! Grr!"
• When I was 13, I remembered to fall back in love with my books and reading. And oh boy, did I!
• Which leads to how Shelby and I ended up meeting....some random chat site..and we eneded up talking about reading.....and it went literally EVERYWHERE after that. <3 One of my soulmates, most definitely. No matter who we are or where we go, we will always me friends, sisters, twins, lovebugs, and we'll always find a way to be in each other's lives.....best friends like this just...don't end when we die (!) but they follow and lead us anywhere! Shelby, you are (tearing up, fyi) the one person I can 1234567890,000,000,000,000,000,000 % count on, no matter What. I love you!
• When I was 14, I made my first, true-hearted best friend, and I knew this because she stood up for me without my asking her to, without my knowing she was going to; she did it because she is one of the most 'good' people I know on this planet. I met her on our first day in choir together freshman year. She was who convinced me to audition for CCA's Vocal Conservatory. Jamie Hart knows me, sometimes better than I know myself.
• I also met my biological father's mother and even my aunt (who is only a few years older than I am).
• I got my first (under-the-table) job working for my aunt.
• When I was 15, I finally found a group of kids that I felt like I belonged to.
• That's also where I learned that one of my closest friends was pagan as well, so we started holding circles together.
• I also joined CCA's Vocal Conservatory (Yeah, I got in..) and this lasted until the end of my high school career, ending with a black (or was it silver?) c[h]ord at my graduation.
• I became closer with one of my best friends now. It started with choir and turned into: "This girl is so loving, caring, creative, sweet, intelligent, and Deserving of a Real friend in her life, and I'll be damned if I'm not always there for her, noooooo matter what!" I love you, Lauren!
• I went camping at Flagstaff and met some cool friends from Switzerland that I still keep in touch with.
• I got my second under-the-table-job working for Amber Flynn, an astrological counselor.
• When I was 16, I met my first boyfriend and was given my first kiss.
• I not only met my biological father, but I met his wife and his wife's entire family on Easter. (This includes my loving, amazing, wonderful step-half-aunt-in-law [step-mother's half brother's wife] Aunt Timmie Ballard! <3)
• My junior prom: I looked just like a brunette Monroe. <3
• I went on a month-long road/camping trip with my mother, sister, and grandparents.
• I MET SHELBY IN PERSON FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER!
• I met and became SUPER close to the one and the only Desi Admire. SHe, too, was pagan, so we would have our celebrations. :)
• The summer just before I turned 17...yeah. A summer I'll never forget.
• When I was 17: I was attached by my fingertips to the pianos at the school; that and the couch in the office to take naps on.
• This is when I was a Senior in high school.
• I looked like a high-class faery at prom.(Did anyone else go throughout all of their school dances and never have a date? Yep...we're in the same boat.) [Oh wait....I Was set up once...............but...........-crickets-]
• I graduated high school!
• I got my first "real" (over-the-table) job: Starbucks. I lasted 7 months, and never cried because, while on, or because of the job.
• I got my motorcycle permit.
• I started college.
• When I was 18, I got my first tattoo!
• I became more hippie by hanging out with truly down-to-earth&spirit people.
• I started my self-employment job as a private music teacher!
• I got my motorcycle license!
• I learned I have a 'Learning Difference'.
• I "lived" at a friend's for 2-ish weeks.
• I "lived" at a boyfriend's for 2-ish weeks.
• I MET THE BOIZ! They became family to me. Nuri, especially, a soulmate brother. Always there for me, always listening, always offering me advice, always including me, always being an AMAZING person. I love him so much. And especially Andrew, Carson, Connor, Rob, and Wally. They each have their own special place in my heart. They each and every single one mean so much to me.
• I started bouldering!!
• I started going camping soooooooooooo often, i LOVE it!
• I also got my 2nd, and 3rd tattoo.
• ALSO, SHELBY CAME TO CALIFORNIA!!!
• When I was 19, I got my 4th, 5th (and my 6th tattoo is coming up shortly, PS).
• I went outdoor bouldering for the first time at THE GRAND CANYON!
• I fell *in* love for the first time. Stupid me..
• I moved out of my parent's place and into my own place. (With roommate and 'zoo'.)
• I started working at a chocolate shop as a "safety net" for my self-employment.
• I got a car!

And to infinity and beyond of sooooooooooo many more adventures before September rolls around!

I was in a rush because it's late and I'm tired (on time) for once, so things may be missing, or typed weird, or...whatever..I'm just super tired now.. Maybe because I went bouldering tonight. And while I showed up to meet one person (for a friend, kind of a set up....:[[[[[[[ ), I ended up leaving after meeting and talking to for an hour and a half to this totally awesome and really chill guy named Matt. We established we at least both qualify as nerds and that we are now climbing buddies! :)

Adieu, adieu: 2:02. <3