For a while I felt everything the moment I was supposed to.
Eventually, I was tired of all of the hurt, the betrayal, the sadness, the loneliness.
I shut it off. Or at least, I bottled up for a later date and time to cry about it and feel it.
Recently, someone close to me told me that it was probably not healthy. That I should FEEL what I'm supposed to feel as it happens! Ya'know....you live, you learn, you move on.
So now I am stuck in between feel Very happy and bottled up...and very depressed at the same time.
Within the past six months, I have been lied to, led on, used, left, ignored, cut out, left behind, deleted, and everything has made me feel so lost! I'm in and out of tears as I write this.
I have had SO many great things happen, though, too. I moved out and into my own place. My roommate is awesome! In total, we have 4 pets. I upgraded on a bed size. I got to have and decorate my own room for the first time since I was 11 years old. I've met new people and made new friends.
But no one is close. My
Shelby --> Wisconsin.
Lauren --> Utah.
Theresa --> Texas.
Kaylin ...erased herself from my life. I won't let her go, though. I can't. She's my Kaylin, she's my best friend. She's who holds me together. She's the one constant since I was born; as long as we know of each other and miss each other and are friends, then I am okay. I am sane. I am whole.
But I'm not whole. I'm very broken.
About a year ago, I started hanging out with these new friends I had made.
Nuri, a Turkish goof that..reminded me of truth, reality, of who I strive to be. He and I grew close. He seemed to get me, listen to me, know how to make things make sense in my head where others had failed. He became a really important person in my life. I don't consider people family just on a whim, but he became somebody that I wanted as a brother in my life. He felt like family, he treated me like family.
Andrew, a hippie no doubt, is really into music. And I could relate, because so am I. He's really talented and has a really kind heart. I know that I can always find a friend in him because he's just...a mellow, awesome person that just tries to do his best, which everyone loves him for.
Rob isn't as goofy as he is simply a dork. Super silly, but really smart. He always knows how to lighten up a situation. :)
Carson is hilarious. He really holds himself up in a manner that makes him outgoing and really easy to talk to. We get into these serious talks sometimes and I really enjoy being there for him as he is for me.
And Connor..is a wicked person. In the cool sense, of course. He's witty, always has something to say, and tries to do the things that make the most sense to him. Plus, he's really good a writing raps.
Wally is a sweetheart. He's usually chillaxed and thoughtful, but can be silly and creative too. It's always a good time when we get to hang with Wally.
So then I moved...
And my Aunt didn't keep her word about paying them for helping me move. I had told them that even though she said she'd do that, there was still a chance that she wouldn't because she's old and a wee bit senile.
Well, she never paid them.
And the school semester started up. Which meant that everyone would be super busy and wouldn't be able to hang out very often.
But then ...zero responses.
Sometimes Andrew would respond..and I got a reply from both Carson and Connor. Which made me feel as if everything wasn't at a loss and it was just my anxiety making me paranoid.
But Rob won't answer back.
Nuri is completely ignoring me, to the point that he deleted me on Snapchat (which doesn't seem like a big deal, but if there was a bible for snapchat, Nuri would preach it), so I became very confused.
I though for a day that things were getting better! I waved away my doubts and moved on.
And then I wasn't invited, again. And I was ignored, again.
And.
Do I deserve to cry this much over people who I thought cared about me but flipped a switch and never go to see how I am?
If I died, how long would it take them to know about it? Until someone in my family finally posted to Facebook about it!?
So.
I've decided.
I'm leaving Facebook.
I'll still have Instagram, and Snapchat. And my phone. (duh).
But this world of Facebook doesn't help with socializing and communication. It shows you all of the good and bad times that these people you care about are having yet never said a word to you about.
I try to reach out to my family by blood that I learned about in the past 8 years...but still I'm only a reminder of disappointment or guilt, or both. I love my father. And I forgave all of them for...forgetting about me, for ignoring my existence.
But until they forgive themselves, nothing will be resolved.
I'm tired of crying over people that matter to me. And I'mm supposed to cry, because I'm supposed to feel everything at he time I feel it, and not bottle it up for later.
I'm leaving Facebook in the sense that I'll only go on when I have something great.
Many people have told me that they really appreciate what I post and that it really opens a door to them when they feel a little lost. Because I read these articles and pictures that are just inspiring and helpful to me that....if they helped me at all, I hope that they'll help others, too.
So I'll still post these posts. Hopefully happier ones in the future. I'll still post the songs I listen to in the car and sing. I'll still post pictures of event that I think are great. My tumblr account will still share my instagram photos on my feed.
But if you want to reach me.....get my phone number. Email me.
I just need a break for a while. I need to find a place where I feel like I belong again, because clearly......I don't belong anywhere right now.
And I'm getting there, I'll admit. But I'm not as far as I'd like to be.
My bonfire event is this Friday. I expect to be back on Facebook that day, then.
If you want to reach out, you know how to reach me.
If you actually read this...I'm sorry I've been a downer lately. I just hate having to call people and cry on the phone. So. I mentally (and literally, on and off, like a kid playing with a hose) cry here. Where...I can't see your faces.
Or sympathy.
Or disgust because you didn't like what you read.
Or your negativity because you think I complain too much--No. I vent. Complaining is whining about things that you cannot change, and if I can change it, I do. If there's even a chance of changing something, I try my damnedest.
I need real people, who really care about me, who won't desert me, and will be there for me as much as I'm always there.
I don't leave people, at least, not without a legit and reasonable reason (THAT I TELL THEM) to where the other person can understand.
I think I'll restart the #100dayshappychallenge but for 2015.
I need to document, go back and remember that I have been happy everyday. Because...I forget. And I hurt. And it sucks.
...I'm okay. I will be better.
"One breath and one step forward at a time." - Jupiter (For those of you who don't know, this is my musician name.)
Peace. 19:57. Time to call Shelby back and not cry. I cried here and am done now. <3
I love you sis!
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