- Being left behind.
- Not being wanted for the right reasons.
- Being attacked by something that I am unable to escape; i.e the ocean/creatures in the ocean, scary people.
- Never being able to give birth to a child someday.
- Losing my voice. (Because: Singing)
- Losing a hand. (Because: Writing & Piano)
- Going blind. (Because: Reading)
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Fears
I am fearful of:
Monday, May 25, 2015
Regrets.
14
Regret 7.
7 are valid enough, though, none ever claimed my heart.
For 7, I was tricked. For 4, I really dislike.
3 years to truth and to explore. }Past.
vs.
8 years to mystery. }Past.
I've always been let down, never been lifted up. I'm done with all this trickery. I will not be afraid.
Regret 7.
7 are valid enough, though, none ever claimed my heart.
For 7, I was tricked. For 4, I really dislike.
3 years to truth and to explore. }Past.
vs.
8 years to mystery. }Past.
I've always been let down, never been lifted up. I'm done with all this trickery. I will not be afraid.
What if you lost everything? / How to stop screwing yourself over.
Imagine the thing you love to do most being taken from you for forever.
The lightest of touches never being able to feel the porcelain (or in my case, plastic) keys beneath your fingertips.
Your voice slowly quieting until it can no longer peep a sound; there are no more tunes that can escape.
Your brain has a mishap and is unable to form proper words, sentences, thoughts, and in turn, you are never able to imagine anything again; you're simply being told of what is, what was, and what will be because your body is incapable of creating anymore.
What if you are in a terrible accident leaving you without legs. That means no more dancing, let alone walking on your own.
Or if you lose both of your arms, how could one paint, or write, or drive, or feed themselves; do things on their own?
If you woke up one day with your memory to sew wiped clean and you have no idea how to do the things you really want to do: I want to make that dress like the one I made before, but unfortunately, I can't remember how to do any of the things I need to.
If you went blind...a sa
...How could you read the books you love? How would you feel being left with only your memories behind your eyelids?
No more...
The lightest of touches never being able to feel the porcelain (or in my case, plastic) keys beneath your fingertips.
Your voice slowly quieting until it can no longer peep a sound; there are no more tunes that can escape.
Your brain has a mishap and is unable to form proper words, sentences, thoughts, and in turn, you are never able to imagine anything again; you're simply being told of what is, what was, and what will be because your body is incapable of creating anymore.
What if you are in a terrible accident leaving you without legs. That means no more dancing, let alone walking on your own.
Or if you lose both of your arms, how could one paint, or write, or drive, or feed themselves; do things on their own?
If you woke up one day with your memory to sew wiped clean and you have no idea how to do the things you really want to do: I want to make that dress like the one I made before, but unfortunately, I can't remember how to do any of the things I need to.
If you went blind...a sa
...How could you read the books you love? How would you feel being left with only your memories behind your eyelids?
No more...
...swimming,
...running,
...scoring,
...driving,
...throwing,
...writing,
...playing an instrument,
...cooking,
...video games,
...drawing or painting,
...creating,
...imagining.
Have you ever thought about what it is you do that makes you absolutely happy because you just love to do it so much?
Have you ever thought about what you would do if those things were taken from you?
People have gone through these things; they know and can relate to all of this.
Or even a step further: What if you couldn't love who you wanted to? What if there were people making up rules to say you can only love a certain kind of people and if you stray from their ways, you'll be punished?
There are people like that. There are people who are told this. There are those people that make those rules.
Or even worse: What if you you didn't have any control over your own body?
What if you couldn't pee, eat, bathe, etc. until someone told you to do those things?
What if you couldn't pee, eat, bathe, etc. until someone told you to do those things?
If you were told to use your body a certain way, even if it hurts, even if you're not expected to live through the pounding? What if you were raped repeatedly, over and over again, because someone else was in charge of what you did or did not do with your own body?
If you lost your mind or your body, as many in the past and present have...
How would you make sure that you survive?
Would you hold onto the hope of someone you love?
Love has been taken from you; you're not allowed to feel it.
Pray for a savior?
Your hopes and dreams have been crushed. You're all alone and there's nothing you will ever be able to do about it.
Try to fight?
That fist you just used to punch back with has been chopped off. Learning lessons is hard in a tough world.
Wait for death?
But you're replaceable and you wouldn't have achieved anything; nothing would've been stopped; people are still suffering.
OH GOOD!
You're not one of those people being told that you're going to hell, that there is no paradise for you.
Oh, you're not one of the sex slaves in a far off country.
Alright, you're not one of the ones who have acquired brain damage, or okay cool, you weren't in a dreadful accident leaving you blind, burned, limbless, etc.
Good for you! That means you don't have to care or worry about those people, then.
Those people whose bodies and minds are turning on themselves and attacking them--oh that's no you?
Okay, phew! Move right along then, don't worry.
To lose the very thing you love most...
To lose the very person you love most...
To lose everything that makes you who you are...
...well those are just things. Who are you without those things?
Who are you without the people and things you love most?
Are you strong enough to remember? Strong enough to forget?
Strong enough to find out? Strong enough to end your life over it?
Don't worry. There is a strong chance that you will never have to find out in your lifetimes.
But people in the past have. People right now are figuring this out. People in the future will have to decide.
If you have the chance, the ability, the freedom to love whomever, to do anything that makes you happy, and to spend your everyday doing whatever you do so desire...
Then do not waste time and energy. Do not second guess yourself. Do not wonder about the "What ifs" of the things you already have or could reach out and achieve...
You have no idea how truly lucky you are...if you hesitate.
Let the emergency brake of you life be broken away and allow yourself to be, to do, to see, to love, to smile, to laugh, to live.
13:20.
Friday, May 22, 2015
To Risk or To Fail...To Live Wandering or To Live Wondering?
Have our thoughts been too narrow?
Every language..
Every job..
Every dream about paradise...
For all we know, we are already IN paradise, just waiting to move onto the next phase of our journey.
How would you feel if were all just soldiers in a battle somewhere off in the distance, and once we died, we all came here, to make our own choices, to live whatever lives we may choose, to love who we decide to love, to eat what we decide to eat, to do whatever we want or feel the need to do?
Would you feel that you're wasting the life you've been given? Are you using up this life to do anything and everything you love? And if time was relevant, would you feel that Your Time is slipping away?
And in the end of it all, will you have kissed all that you wished you had? Would you have traveled to anywhere you desired? Would you have told those you love that you love them? Did you keep those that mattered the most in your life close by? Did you live without regrets because you boldly decided to take complete and total control of your life?
So far, most people have lived by standards that others have set for them. Learn this, learn that, this is more important, that is foolish, do this, don't do that, love this person, you cannot be this kind of person, follow these dreams, don't jump into life expecting to land somewhere because that's too risky--
Every language..
Every job..
Every dream about paradise...
For all we know, we are already IN paradise, just waiting to move onto the next phase of our journey.
How would you feel if were all just soldiers in a battle somewhere off in the distance, and once we died, we all came here, to make our own choices, to live whatever lives we may choose, to love who we decide to love, to eat what we decide to eat, to do whatever we want or feel the need to do?
Would you feel that you're wasting the life you've been given? Are you using up this life to do anything and everything you love? And if time was relevant, would you feel that Your Time is slipping away?
And in the end of it all, will you have kissed all that you wished you had? Would you have traveled to anywhere you desired? Would you have told those you love that you love them? Did you keep those that mattered the most in your life close by? Did you live without regrets because you boldly decided to take complete and total control of your life?
So far, most people have lived by standards that others have set for them. Learn this, learn that, this is more important, that is foolish, do this, don't do that, love this person, you cannot be this kind of person, follow these dreams, don't jump into life expecting to land somewhere because that's too risky--
Take. Your. Risks.
Take. Those. Chances.
If your heart breaks, don't worry, it is fixable.
If you lose all hope and have only doubts, then why not take the risk anyways?
This is your life.
So what if...
...you never tried?
To fail is not failing if you tried and learned something along the way.
To not try and never know at all what could be or could have been is the true definition of failing.
Don't become one of those people that wonder what if, what might have been, what you wish you could change or take back.
Be one of those lives others hear about that wandered everywhere and anywhere that you felt was the place you wanted, you needed to go; and wandered with those you felt were connected to you by invisible forces.
I choose to risk, not fail, and I choose to wander, not wonder. I choose.
Do you?
23:46.
Peace.
Being Sappy :: PS- Chocolate
I came to a realization.
I am not just a dreamer, I'm a BIG dreamer. If thoughts could be unhealthily obese, mine are exactly that.
I go over the top.
My imagination doesn't have any limits.
I am so happy with where I am in my life and who I have become, and wanting to share my happiness with others...I love being able to do that.
Sometimes I get lost in all of my thoughts and dreams that I don't realize what is happening right in front of me.
I don't need nor want to rush anything in my life.
The past couple of months have been a rollercoaster ride, and I'm beginning to think the rest of the year(aside from life) will be much like the same. So I may as well strap in and enjoy the ride, right?
My dreams may go far, but I do come back eventually. I do wake up from my daze.
I'm just a silly, quirky girl that has achieved a lot, and has a lot more to accomplish and overcome.
I'm mostly just thankful for all of the truly wonderful friends that I have that remind me of who I am, who I've become, and how far I still have to go--they remind me to look at my two feet to see where I'm walking; often times my head is up above the clouds and in the stars.
All of my friends may not live close most of the time, but they're still there for me. I feel so lucky. :')
I just hope to keep these bonds strong.
10:22.
PS: Of anyone wants chocolate, come into Chuao Chocolatier in Encinitas before 3pm today! :)
I am not just a dreamer, I'm a BIG dreamer. If thoughts could be unhealthily obese, mine are exactly that.
I go over the top.
My imagination doesn't have any limits.
I am so happy with where I am in my life and who I have become, and wanting to share my happiness with others...I love being able to do that.
Sometimes I get lost in all of my thoughts and dreams that I don't realize what is happening right in front of me.
I don't need nor want to rush anything in my life.
The past couple of months have been a rollercoaster ride, and I'm beginning to think the rest of the year(aside from life) will be much like the same. So I may as well strap in and enjoy the ride, right?
My dreams may go far, but I do come back eventually. I do wake up from my daze.
I'm just a silly, quirky girl that has achieved a lot, and has a lot more to accomplish and overcome.
I'm mostly just thankful for all of the truly wonderful friends that I have that remind me of who I am, who I've become, and how far I still have to go--they remind me to look at my two feet to see where I'm walking; often times my head is up above the clouds and in the stars.
All of my friends may not live close most of the time, but they're still there for me. I feel so lucky. :')
I just hope to keep these bonds strong.
10:22.
PS: Of anyone wants chocolate, come into Chuao Chocolatier in Encinitas before 3pm today! :)
Thursday, May 21, 2015
To Live In The Present..?
Last night, a friend told me that I was too young to want what I want; that I'll have to wait in the test of the world and gain some more years before others around me want the same things I want.
"You want something mature and stable, long-lasting, don't you?"
I said yep, pretty much. He said that it will never happen because I'm only 19 and once I'm older, that's when people would take me seriously.
But not only myself, but my sister as well: we've beaten those odds. We both finished high school at age 17. My sister moved out soon after that, and I moved out when I was 18. I got my own place when I was 19. We both got and paid for our own cars (with some family loans, but we're paying them back each month. My sister found a guy that became not only her best friend, but they have a future planned out.
Now I don't necessarily want to scare anyone away by planning a future out--those things come over time.
But to be 19, emotionally 19, but mentally 30,.....my mind is supposed to wait some odd amount of years until I no longer have to question how long the relationships I am in will last?
Bullshit.
I know people my age that have people and it seems they're in it for the long-haul. Maybe they are, and maybe they aren't. But they're trying. They are both in their relationship thinking that this is who they want, this is who they love, this is who they always want to be around.
They don't think that this is an "only-for-right-now" person or an "until I leave" person or "this will never last but it's fun until I decide to stop responding."
I truly don't understand people.
And for a little while, I thought maybe it was location. But then, I've moved so often that, I soon came to the realization that running away for only that reason was dumb.
I want to get married and have kids SOMEDAY, but I certainly do not want those things Right Now. Especially since no one's proven that I can even trust them in the present.
To live in the present. Fine. Yes. This is true, it is a wonderful idea to follow.
🍻Cheers to living, and living happily, by yourself.
13:54.
Ps, I went to sleep around 3-3:30 last night...and I just recently woke up. Gooooooood days. 😊
"You want something mature and stable, long-lasting, don't you?"
I said yep, pretty much. He said that it will never happen because I'm only 19 and once I'm older, that's when people would take me seriously.
But not only myself, but my sister as well: we've beaten those odds. We both finished high school at age 17. My sister moved out soon after that, and I moved out when I was 18. I got my own place when I was 19. We both got and paid for our own cars (with some family loans, but we're paying them back each month. My sister found a guy that became not only her best friend, but they have a future planned out.
Now I don't necessarily want to scare anyone away by planning a future out--those things come over time.
But to be 19, emotionally 19, but mentally 30,.....my mind is supposed to wait some odd amount of years until I no longer have to question how long the relationships I am in will last?
Bullshit.
I know people my age that have people and it seems they're in it for the long-haul. Maybe they are, and maybe they aren't. But they're trying. They are both in their relationship thinking that this is who they want, this is who they love, this is who they always want to be around.
They don't think that this is an "only-for-right-now" person or an "until I leave" person or "this will never last but it's fun until I decide to stop responding."
I truly don't understand people.
And for a little while, I thought maybe it was location. But then, I've moved so often that, I soon came to the realization that running away for only that reason was dumb.
I want to get married and have kids SOMEDAY, but I certainly do not want those things Right Now. Especially since no one's proven that I can even trust them in the present.
To live in the present. Fine. Yes. This is true, it is a wonderful idea to follow.
🍻Cheers to living, and living happily, by yourself.
13:54.
Ps, I went to sleep around 3-3:30 last night...and I just recently woke up. Gooooooood days. 😊
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Not ashamed.
I am not a shamed to be my age.
Most people my age still live at home or their parents are paying for where they live.
Their food is being paid for. Their phone bills are being paid for. they go on vacation that have been paid for them. And if they do have a job it is to pay for the extra things that they may like to have in their life. Most people my age have vehicles that were paid for by someone other than themselves. However that is most, that is not everyone.
Most of the people that I hang out with are a good few years older than me, and are just now getting their own place or have recently moved out on their own and in with roommates. Most people I hang out with are either already done with college are reaching further into their schooling. And most people I know have no clue what they want to do with their life.
I am 19 years old.
I am a successful, self employed private music teacher.
The only reason I am going to college is to further my dream. I want to combine music art and dance therapies; anything creative I want to integrate it into my creative therapy hopes.
I balance my time wisely and practically.
I have time to study, I have time to work TWO jobs, plus babysitting on the side whenever asked of me, I have time to care for my pets and to clean my car and apartment, I have time to eat properly and to exercise, I have time to socialize with whoever I choose to spend time with, and I have time to spend time doing whatever makes me happy, to do whatever I want to,
I make the mistake of trying too hard to get people to like me, so that they never see who I truly am or how big and warm my heart is until everything is already screwed up.
I want to be surrounded by good, healthy people; people who are inspiring, people who encourage me in a positive direction!
I always see the good in people, or at least the good that they have the potential to be, before I see how they're really treating me or who they are actually taking me for. And unfortunately, seeing the good and nothing else in people until it's too late has allowed for me to not see when I'm being used, or treated poorly.
I love myself, I treat myself well. I love SO MANY PEOPLE and I treat others just as well.
People make mistakes, and I am not shy of having made any, myself.
I think it is time to be the leaf, to be a leaf in the wind, to be as fiery and passionate as a flame, to keep the roots I have in the ground planted firmly, not allowing anyone or anything to uproot me, to float to the depths of life as if it is the sea, yet still allow myself self the ability to come up to breathe. I will be my own star in the darkness. I will be my own rays of light and warmth.
I need people, just as much as anyone else, but I need to find the right people, the ones who...will actually care about me as much as I would care about them.
And for the record, I HAVE those people. I have friends that are exactly that! And I love them each, with all of my heart!
I'm not saying I want to plan out my forever. And I'm definitely not saying that I want someone to spend time with for only Right Now.
What I want is to care about those that deserve what I have to offer,, and to be cared for back in return.
On a lighter note, after work today, I stayed with the kids that I was teaching and pretty much watched after them and got dinner until their parents came home. It was their mothers birthday and she has been so kind to me, so I am so very very glad that I was able to celebrate singing her happy birthday!
Those girls made my heart feel a light and happy. 😍😂😘 I always love spending time over at their house.
Now I am on my way to go watch a movie with a friend that is back in town; Hopefully I can keep my spirits up after spending a wonderful time with the girls!
21:32.
Most people my age still live at home or their parents are paying for where they live.
Their food is being paid for. Their phone bills are being paid for. they go on vacation that have been paid for them. And if they do have a job it is to pay for the extra things that they may like to have in their life. Most people my age have vehicles that were paid for by someone other than themselves. However that is most, that is not everyone.
Most of the people that I hang out with are a good few years older than me, and are just now getting their own place or have recently moved out on their own and in with roommates. Most people I hang out with are either already done with college are reaching further into their schooling. And most people I know have no clue what they want to do with their life.
I am 19 years old.
I am a successful, self employed private music teacher.
The only reason I am going to college is to further my dream. I want to combine music art and dance therapies; anything creative I want to integrate it into my creative therapy hopes.
I balance my time wisely and practically.
I have time to study, I have time to work TWO jobs, plus babysitting on the side whenever asked of me, I have time to care for my pets and to clean my car and apartment, I have time to eat properly and to exercise, I have time to socialize with whoever I choose to spend time with, and I have time to spend time doing whatever makes me happy, to do whatever I want to,
I make the mistake of trying too hard to get people to like me, so that they never see who I truly am or how big and warm my heart is until everything is already screwed up.
I want to be surrounded by good, healthy people; people who are inspiring, people who encourage me in a positive direction!
I always see the good in people, or at least the good that they have the potential to be, before I see how they're really treating me or who they are actually taking me for. And unfortunately, seeing the good and nothing else in people until it's too late has allowed for me to not see when I'm being used, or treated poorly.
I love myself, I treat myself well. I love SO MANY PEOPLE and I treat others just as well.
People make mistakes, and I am not shy of having made any, myself.
I think it is time to be the leaf, to be a leaf in the wind, to be as fiery and passionate as a flame, to keep the roots I have in the ground planted firmly, not allowing anyone or anything to uproot me, to float to the depths of life as if it is the sea, yet still allow myself self the ability to come up to breathe. I will be my own star in the darkness. I will be my own rays of light and warmth.
I need people, just as much as anyone else, but I need to find the right people, the ones who...will actually care about me as much as I would care about them.
And for the record, I HAVE those people. I have friends that are exactly that! And I love them each, with all of my heart!
I'm not saying I want to plan out my forever. And I'm definitely not saying that I want someone to spend time with for only Right Now.
What I want is to care about those that deserve what I have to offer,, and to be cared for back in return.
On a lighter note, after work today, I stayed with the kids that I was teaching and pretty much watched after them and got dinner until their parents came home. It was their mothers birthday and she has been so kind to me, so I am so very very glad that I was able to celebrate singing her happy birthday!
Those girls made my heart feel a light and happy. 😍😂😘 I always love spending time over at their house.
Now I am on my way to go watch a movie with a friend that is back in town; Hopefully I can keep my spirits up after spending a wonderful time with the girls!
21:32.
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Rose and Oliver
Rose is a little bit of a mixture between myself and my sister.
She's quirky and warm-hearted, yet not afraid to be a badass or hardass when need be.
She looks like a blend, if you blended my sister and I into one physical body.
She loves to cook and get her hands dirty in the garden.
(Hopefully this will never be true) However, Rose is unable to carry children to term after she had her daughter, so she decides to adopt in order to have a second child.
This is where Oliver comes into play. Oliver is seven and a painter, and even though he wasn't born into the family, he was meant to be there. The mystery of the contents in the desk drawer
Oswald, Odin, Owen, and now him, coincidentally have an O in his name, too.
The power of creativity runs strong within Rose's family. She doesn't paint, but she does draw, and sometimes when she's tired enough, she'll think she sees her little scribbles wriggle around on her paper. This power is usually stronger in the males of the family..though there is hope for Amelia, Rose's daughter. Mike, Rose's husband, was the silent reading type that enjoyed math and philosophy, but he snagged Rose by using poetry to claim her heart; that and many, many roses.
Gosh I'm excited!
1:19.
She's quirky and warm-hearted, yet not afraid to be a badass or hardass when need be.
She looks like a blend, if you blended my sister and I into one physical body.
She loves to cook and get her hands dirty in the garden.
(Hopefully this will never be true) However, Rose is unable to carry children to term after she had her daughter, so she decides to adopt in order to have a second child.
This is where Oliver comes into play. Oliver is seven and a painter, and even though he wasn't born into the family, he was meant to be there. The mystery of the contents in the desk drawer
Oswald, Odin, Owen, and now him, coincidentally have an O in his name, too.
The power of creativity runs strong within Rose's family. She doesn't paint, but she does draw, and sometimes when she's tired enough, she'll think she sees her little scribbles wriggle around on her paper. This power is usually stronger in the males of the family..though there is hope for Amelia, Rose's daughter. Mike, Rose's husband, was the silent reading type that enjoyed math and philosophy, but he snagged Rose by using poetry to claim her heart; that and many, many roses.
Gosh I'm excited!
1:19.
Monday, May 18, 2015
I love you, Kaylin Grace Chapman!
There is so much I want need to share with her.
So much has happened in the past six months.
So much has happened in the past 8 years since we truly reconnected.
I want her to know all of the things she made me feel within the past 8 years.
I want her to know that I pushed all of those "unwanted" and "not important enough" feelings aside because they were minuscule when compared to the "belonging" and "loved" and "family" and "support" and the "no-matter-what-happens-good-or-bad-I'll-always-have-your-back" feelings that surround us when we do spend time together.
She is one of the most important people in my life! I will not let her just walk away. I will always be there for her no matter the situation.
What I wonder is...
How long will she play out this charade of ignoring me?
If I were to die, would she attend my funeral?
If I were to find myself pregnant, would she open her arms to hug me and be there for me?
If I were to get married, would she even celebrate with me?
These are all things off in their own distance (hopefully)..but that is exactly my point. Will it take those things to break her free and cure her of this blindness? Or if any of those things finally occur, will she still be hellbent to ignore and avoid me over some hurtful things said to one-another?
I need my best friend! I need her more than I care about how hurtful things have been in the past. I need her more than her "what if" scenarios. I need her more than I need to sit here and write about it in hopes that she'll read it because I know she won't listen to me any other way.
I'd write another song about it,
I'd stand on top of the world to show off a poster big enough where she couldn't help but pay attention.
I'd contact radio shows and have them say a blurb every hour on the hour.
I'd write a book about her.
I'd bombard her with flowers.
I know it sounds like I'm in love with someone, and in a way, I am in love with her, but she's my best friend! She's supposed to know me better than I know myself.
She's supposed to know that I have never and would never hide ANYTHING from her.
She's supposed to know that of course I would feel that way about her bailing on me and never attending things that were important to me, especially since I attended most of the things that mattered to her.
She's supposed to know that I have been miserable for the past 6-7 months that she's been...gone. Gone from my life.
Great, here come the tears...
My cue to leave and stop typing.
I love you, Kaylin Grace Chapman! I love you with all of my heart. You're...you've always been more than just my best friend...you've been a sister; you've been true family to me.
"The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life." -Richard Bach, Illusions, 1977
12:54.
So much has happened in the past six months.
So much has happened in the past 8 years since we truly reconnected.
I want her to know all of the things she made me feel within the past 8 years.
I want her to know that I pushed all of those "unwanted" and "not important enough" feelings aside because they were minuscule when compared to the "belonging" and "loved" and "family" and "support" and the "no-matter-what-happens-good-or-bad-I'll-always-have-your-back" feelings that surround us when we do spend time together.
She is one of the most important people in my life! I will not let her just walk away. I will always be there for her no matter the situation.
What I wonder is...
How long will she play out this charade of ignoring me?
If I were to die, would she attend my funeral?
If I were to find myself pregnant, would she open her arms to hug me and be there for me?
If I were to get married, would she even celebrate with me?
These are all things off in their own distance (hopefully)..but that is exactly my point. Will it take those things to break her free and cure her of this blindness? Or if any of those things finally occur, will she still be hellbent to ignore and avoid me over some hurtful things said to one-another?
I need my best friend! I need her more than I care about how hurtful things have been in the past. I need her more than her "what if" scenarios. I need her more than I need to sit here and write about it in hopes that she'll read it because I know she won't listen to me any other way.
I'd write another song about it,
I'd stand on top of the world to show off a poster big enough where she couldn't help but pay attention.
I'd contact radio shows and have them say a blurb every hour on the hour.
I'd write a book about her.
I'd bombard her with flowers.
I know it sounds like I'm in love with someone, and in a way, I am in love with her, but she's my best friend! She's supposed to know me better than I know myself.
She's supposed to know that I have never and would never hide ANYTHING from her.
She's supposed to know that of course I would feel that way about her bailing on me and never attending things that were important to me, especially since I attended most of the things that mattered to her.
She's supposed to know that I have been miserable for the past 6-7 months that she's been...gone. Gone from my life.
Great, here come the tears...
My cue to leave and stop typing.
I love you, Kaylin Grace Chapman! I love you with all of my heart. You're...you've always been more than just my best friend...you've been a sister; you've been true family to me.
"The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life." -Richard Bach, Illusions, 1977
12:54.
Sunday, May 17, 2015
Love thyself. "Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try."
Is it too much to ask to love someone and be loved in return?
Of course not.
What people don't remember is that they have the capability of loving themselves.
To say that one loves themselves was once considered vain.
Today's society is turning over a new leaf.
It is just as important to love yourself as it is to love others.
I love a lot of people and I love easily.
To say I am young is true and to say that I've never been in love may also be true, but what I do know is that I am 100% comfortable in my own skin and in my own mind.
I love a lot, I love deeply, and I love true, often times even for people that I have only just met.
So I can only imagine what my future will be like when I finally feel in love.
However, per chance that that in love feeling never beats quite how I feel about myself.
I mean, I love myself!
And if how I feel about myself is in any comparison how much love I can give to someone else, I want to give it!
I want to share my every day with them.
I want to imagine future possibilities.
I want to know someone as well as they know themselves, if not better.
I want to make them feel safe warm and a part of something greater than just themselves.
There is so much I want to give, but I would be lying if I didn't say that I do wish for this in return.
To have someone there for you as much as you are for them is a gift.
To love someone entirely and be loved in return is beautiful.
I have seen it time and time again, I have read story after story about it, and I have had so many dreams.
I know my past and where I've been, and I know where I am now. Where I want to be in the next 10 years may change drastically or insignificantly.
I do know that I want to be somewhere it is green and rains often. I want to live where the town is like a giant family.
I wants to live where the wind whispers across the water and sings through the trees. I want to live somewhere creatures create music, day or night.
Eventually, I will want to be married and have a family of my own. I want to adopt and save as many pet animals as I can manage.
I want to live somewhere that is quiet so that I may be in peace to write or compose at a single whim.
Mostly, I want those that I know to understand that I believe in them and will help them along the way.
I am always interested knowing about new questions, new concerns, and new ideas.
I want to help people to understand that they can use their imagination to build their creativity and go anywhere that they want to in this universe.
All you have to do..is do it.
"Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try." -- Yoda
Of course not.
What people don't remember is that they have the capability of loving themselves.
To say that one loves themselves was once considered vain.
Today's society is turning over a new leaf.
It is just as important to love yourself as it is to love others.
I love a lot of people and I love easily.
To say I am young is true and to say that I've never been in love may also be true, but what I do know is that I am 100% comfortable in my own skin and in my own mind.
I love a lot, I love deeply, and I love true, often times even for people that I have only just met.
So I can only imagine what my future will be like when I finally feel in love.
However, per chance that that in love feeling never beats quite how I feel about myself.
I mean, I love myself!
And if how I feel about myself is in any comparison how much love I can give to someone else, I want to give it!
I want to share my every day with them.
I want to imagine future possibilities.
I want to know someone as well as they know themselves, if not better.
I want to make them feel safe warm and a part of something greater than just themselves.
There is so much I want to give, but I would be lying if I didn't say that I do wish for this in return.
To have someone there for you as much as you are for them is a gift.
To love someone entirely and be loved in return is beautiful.
I have seen it time and time again, I have read story after story about it, and I have had so many dreams.
I know my past and where I've been, and I know where I am now. Where I want to be in the next 10 years may change drastically or insignificantly.
I do know that I want to be somewhere it is green and rains often. I want to live where the town is like a giant family.
I wants to live where the wind whispers across the water and sings through the trees. I want to live somewhere creatures create music, day or night.
Eventually, I will want to be married and have a family of my own. I want to adopt and save as many pet animals as I can manage.
I want to live somewhere that is quiet so that I may be in peace to write or compose at a single whim.
Mostly, I want those that I know to understand that I believe in them and will help them along the way.
I am always interested knowing about new questions, new concerns, and new ideas.
I want to help people to understand that they can use their imagination to build their creativity and go anywhere that they want to in this universe.
All you have to do..is do it.
"Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try." -- Yoda
Sunday, May 10, 2015
My Mother.
Thank you for not giving me up.
Thank you for not leaving me behind.
Thank you for sharing all of your crazy stories.
Thank you for loving me.
Thank you for teaching me..
..to be strong
..to fight
..to never give up
..to love unconditionally
..to hug
..to care for others as deeply as you do
and so much more.
Thank you for knowing when I need you even if I resist.
Thank YOU for being MY mom. :')
I truly, truly could not ask for anyone better suited for such a high role in my life than you.
I love you, Christy Marie Wilkerson!!! <3"
My mother was 16 years old in January when she learned she was pregnant.
She turned 17 later, in March, and had me in September.
Even when she couldn't physically support me, she was always there for me; she always loved me.
And I know that with each passing day that that love grows and grows.
I honestly don't know who I would be if I did not have her in my life.
I love you, Mom! <3
Thursday, May 7, 2015
Truth is Easy
Telling the truth isn't as hard as it seems...just get the ball rolling and it will get easier.
22:41.
22:41.
Monday, May 4, 2015
To Be Present.
A very specific conversation from last night clings to my thoughts.
To be present both now, and in the future, because I have not always been present in the past.
It was noted that usual complaints from most of society is...on a surface level. For, if it weren't for this, then it'd be that, and if not for today, then tomorrow would be something just the same.
Even on here, I have complained, whined, cried, vented, explained, breathed, and let everything out.
Is any of what I talk about important?
Some.
Not most of it, though.
In my mind, what I think would count as important would be if I got to show off my students, or travel the world and take endless photos and share amazing stories, to teach and inspire, to show others that they are not alone.
To show people how to notice the beautiful things if but a weed by the side of a freeway.
These are all important to me.
Years ago, a friend told me that it is not a relationship I was ever in search for, but a companion. Today, my psychology class defined two types of "love":
To be present both now, and in the future, because I have not always been present in the past.
It was noted that usual complaints from most of society is...on a surface level. For, if it weren't for this, then it'd be that, and if not for today, then tomorrow would be something just the same.
Even on here, I have complained, whined, cried, vented, explained, breathed, and let everything out.
Is any of what I talk about important?
Some.
Not most of it, though.
In my mind, what I think would count as important would be if I got to show off my students, or travel the world and take endless photos and share amazing stories, to teach and inspire, to show others that they are not alone.
To show people how to notice the beautiful things if but a weed by the side of a freeway.
These are all important to me.
Years ago, a friend told me that it is not a relationship I was ever in search for, but a companion. Today, my psychology class defined two types of "love":
- Romantic Love (Which is actually just lust of sorts)
- Companionate Love (Which sprouts from friendship, from deeper places, from truly knowing someone by their mind, heart and soul)
Reading this...made sense.
I care for strangers.
I love those I keep close to me.
And "in love" is something I have hoped I'd have been in the past, though I know much was blindingly false.
I have been in love with myself (not in a narcissistic way). It is good to love one's self. I think I have been setting such high standards to match up (at least) to my own that, yes, I shaved off the phases most people go through in agony and heartbreak...But what those people learned during those times is to love themselves, to know which direction the wind blows for them.
I am a planner, and though my wind blows daily in a direction of its choice...I have general idea that where I'm headed is there, deep down somewhere, but should I pull it out? Aren't I too young to pull that out?
What do I absolutely want most?
Peace.
To give Love.
To receive Love.
Inspiration.
Creativity.
Knowledge.
Teaching,
Home.
Belonging to someone and/or somewhere. (Of course, I can always just belong to myself...)
Family.
Passions.
Adventures.
Food.
That was my brainstorm. I want nothing else. I see nothing else in view just quite yet. I feel I have jumped ahead to a place that even those I surround myself with are not close to being there yet. So what do I do?...What am I going to do?
I have just decided that I will talk to old people.
And people I admire. And people that I know are knowledgeable.
And people I admire. And people that I know are knowledgeable.
Life is work, and there is always something to be actively doing at work.
20:41.
Day or Night: Human
There are people, and there are times, and there are people for those times.
Some people last a second, and some last a lifetime.
You live and you should learn and make many mistakes.
One of my favorite quotes is:
"Dear Human: You've got it all wrong. You didn't come here to master unconditional love. That is where you came from and where you'll return. You came here to learn personal love. Universal love. Messy love. Sweaty love. Crazy love. Broken love. Whole love. Infused with divinity. Lived through the grace of stumbling. Demonstrated through the beauty of... messing up. Often. You didn't come here to be perfect. You already are. You came here to be gorgeously human. Flawed and fabulous. And then to rise again into remembering."
I didn't come here to be perfect. I came here to be gorgeously human. Flawed and fabulous. I came here to love deeply and often. I came here to explore and adventure, wander anywhere I dare. To encourage and inspire. To be inspired and touched. To feel and to let my walls down. To be a companion. To be the writer of my own story. To leap, jump and dive into the unknown, willingly.
I create.
I wander.
I dream.
I sing.
I play.
I wish.
I hope.
I love.
I hug.
I kiss.
I breathe.
I run.
I climb.
I always look up, day or night.
I live.
I wonder.
I create.
I wander.
I dream.
I sing.
I play.
I wish.
I hope.
I love.
I hug.
I kiss.
I breathe.
I run.
I climb.
I always look up, day or night.
I live.
I wonder.
I create.
I wander.
I dream.
I sing.
I play
I wish.
I hope.
I love.
I hug.
I kiss.
I breathe.
I run.
I climb.
I always look up, day or night.
Peace. 20:08.
Some people last a second, and some last a lifetime.
You live and you should learn and make many mistakes.
One of my favorite quotes is:
"Dear Human: You've got it all wrong. You didn't come here to master unconditional love. That is where you came from and where you'll return. You came here to learn personal love. Universal love. Messy love. Sweaty love. Crazy love. Broken love. Whole love. Infused with divinity. Lived through the grace of stumbling. Demonstrated through the beauty of... messing up. Often. You didn't come here to be perfect. You already are. You came here to be gorgeously human. Flawed and fabulous. And then to rise again into remembering."
I didn't come here to be perfect. I came here to be gorgeously human. Flawed and fabulous. I came here to love deeply and often. I came here to explore and adventure, wander anywhere I dare. To encourage and inspire. To be inspired and touched. To feel and to let my walls down. To be a companion. To be the writer of my own story. To leap, jump and dive into the unknown, willingly.
I create.
I wander.
I dream.
I sing.
I play.
I wish.
I hope.
I love.
I hug.
I kiss.
I breathe.
I run.
I climb.
I always look up, day or night.
I live.
I wonder.
I create.
I wander.
I dream.
I sing.
I play.
I wish.
I hope.
I love.
I hug.
I kiss.
I breathe.
I run.
I climb.
I always look up, day or night.
I live.
I wonder.
I create.
I wander.
I dream.
I sing.
I play
I wish.
I hope.
I love.
I hug.
I kiss.
I breathe.
I run.
I climb.
I always look up, day or night.
Peace. 20:08.
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