The Bad
- Before I was even a year old, my father left me.
- When I was 3, I had to move with my family away from my best friend.
- Before I was 7, I had been heartbroken by "friends"[kids who bullied me at my daycare] that never showed up to my 4th, 5th, or 6th birthday parties.
- When I was 7, I was bullied for wanting to fit in. Because I was a year younger than everyone in my grade because I skipped a grade.
- When I was 8, this girl that I wanted to become friends with told me she'd only be my friend if I told my others friends that I couldn't be there friend anymore. I didn't know any better. I didn't understand that I couldn't just go back to them if this girl turned out to bully me.
- When I was 9, these girls pretended to be my friend for a time. When they stopped including me in things, I asked why. They said it was because I was no longer the "new girl" and that they didn't want to be my friend. All I ever did was read or catch butterflies.
- And then there was an incident.
where a bad man almost did a bad thing to me.......My family had to move away. - When I was 10, I befriended this girl who became my rival. I drew a naked picture of her running down the street to try and embarrass her.
- When I was 11, the friends I had started treating me really poorly, so I wrote them each a personal letter to express how I felt when they said this or did that. They turned around, balling up the letters and throwing them at me while I was on the school bus.
- When I was 12, I had these new friends. Some were in an drama class of mine and they ended up doing something that made them look ridiculous. I didn't realize how it sounded when I told them at the time, because I was just trying to save them from further embarrassment......but I came off sounding like a complete and utter bitch when I told them that they shouldn't rap.
- Also, my best friend asked me to lie for her and take responsibility for something she had done so that she wouldn't get in trouble..but I couldn't afford it..so I told her no. She blamed me anyways. With that stab in the back, we were no longer friends.
- When I was 13, I learned about who my biological father was and why I never knew about him. My depression sank in deep at that point. I thought that perhaps the reason people had always ripped themselves out of my life was because I was "cursed". It was definitely the start of my realizing I had abandonment issues.
- There was some dramatic power struggles in my new friend group of girls. Lies and rumors twisted around and just everything sucked.
- When I was 14, this group I was friends with from middle school all ganged up on me one day at lunch. I was sitting on the ground and they just formed an arc from my left to my right, with me against the wall. They accused me of random rumors that I'm sure someone else in their group had started..they basically pummeled me emotionally. I was a wreck after that.
- And when this one chick started freaking out and asked why I would wear such a cute shirt if it made my breasts look bigger.........It was a cute top, and it didn't make my breasts *look* bigger, they were just bigger than hers.
- I started hanging out with this group of kids that used to go to Catholic school. Things were amazing for a time..but later they stopped replying. Started ignoring. Never telling me what our plans were. Finally when I asked what was up, they said, "We thought you'd get the hint that we don't want to be your friend anymore." This broke me down so much. My depression dug itself a home so deep inside me that I have been struggling everyday since then; a constant battle.
- By 17, I had learned to push people that I cared about away before they could leave me, or worse, change their life plans just to stay with me.
- When I was 18, I learned to #college and miss my friends that had moved away for school. (Not a new concept for me). I learned to balance ME-time with work-time, school-time, family-time and social-time.
- I had one really close friend that I spent most of my time with....but things ended over some dude. She was very............opinionated, and wanted to be treated as a "Queen".
I am halfway through my 19th year of life. My best friend who was never supposed to leave me, give up on me, or cut me out of her life.......did. And it was over a "what if" scenario about ...A GUY. And then I let it all out about how she really made me feel. I went to everything of hers that I could because I wanted to her to know that I will always support and love her. But never once, did she ever go to a thing of mine. She got mad at me because I was shining light on a part of her she didn't want to believe in, especially because that was a side of her that her new boyfriend would never see of her.
On top of that, the guy I had fallen in love with (the first guy I had ever fallen IN love with) was just leading me on and ended up being a cocky jerk. And then I started seeing someone new. Who ended up being self-destructive. I loved him (as I love deep and often for many), and even though he was IN love with me, I was not with him, even though I wanted to be. His self-destructive brain tried to cheat on me, and when that didn't shoo me away, it decided that moving away for a job was a good plan. (And on a selfish note: That didn't help my abandonment issues! As if I didn't already feel that I wasn't worth staying for; people only always leave). But the job was a good plan, because his 3-year old daughter will grow up eventually needing more support from her father, and with a real-world job, he can afford to save and care for her (at least, that's the plan). And most recently, I found that a friend of mine, a very close friend of mine, someone whom I considered a brother to me.......has blocked me on snapchat, is not reading nor replying to my messages, and is just simply ignoring me. On top of that, the entire friend group that I had thought was my family.......I just rarely hear from anymore.
And I KNOW I'm not alone. I KNOW how happy I am alone here at home with my cat, (roommate's) dog, snake, and (roommate's) iguana, and my vast amount of books, and my music(!!!!!!!!!!!!), and my bed for much #sleeps and #Netflix , all the way...I looooove love lurv my personal time to walk around the apartment naked and just Be. Me.
But I miss people. I miss my family. I miss the family I have created for myself. I miss camping. I miss being a part of somewhere, of a group of someones.
I'll post The Good tomorrow.
Peace. 1:50.
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