Thank you.

Also, I know that I've been down for a wee bit of time, and I want to say thank you to those who came to me and told me that they are there. There are more warm hearts than I expected and I am so, so grateful that you peeps are there.

Much love. Much peace. 22:31.

Oxytocin/Depression/Creativity

I think I figured out what is wrong with me. And that isn't a negative thought or a complaint. I'm happy that I think I figured it out! Because now that I can pinpoint the problem, I can resolve it!

Now, correct me if I am wrong, because..I love to learn. :)

Both men and women have the hormone oxytocin in their system. If you go on google and "define oxytocin" it will tell you that it has something to do with a female's uterus and breastfeeding and--Nope! Well, yes.....But that is not the only case.

Basically when we, both male and female human beings, are stressed, cortisol is dumped into our brains. A natural hormone to counteract that cortisol is oxytocin.
     Side note: The reason I suck at test is not because I have testing anxiety, specifically. It is because      I am anxious about being stressed, which in turn stresses me out, and cortisol can cause memory          blanks and forgetfulness. To me it always feels like tip-of-the-tongue phenomena, or I simply do        not recall anything when I definitely studied...So, my Psych teavher does not believe in testing            anxiety. Well, if you pair Anxiety to the Stress and Pressure that taking a test puts on                            you...BOOM. There's your testing anxiety.
Oxytocin is in both men and women. Men are pumped with testosterone, which all in all tells oxytocin to disappear. Which is why men can get stressed out by daily hassles more than women. Women, however, just have a few tricks up their sleeves in order to boost this hormone:

• Cleaning a lot
• Hugs
• Cuddling
• Talking (while someone actually listens)
• Hanging out in a group where they feel they belong, feel safe, calm, relaxed.
• Bonding (one-on-one hangout sessions)
• Etc. (The "girly" things that we chicks tend to do.)

But people, both men and women practice these frequently, which certainly explains why the participants seem happier, healthier, warmer, and stronger than those who don't practice these things:

• Meditation
• Yoga
• Exercise in general
• Creative arts (music, painting, sculptures, dancing, acting, photography, etc.)

With that said, before I move onto my blurb about Creative Therapy..

What is wrong with me specifically, I believe, is I have anxiety. I did not realize this until recently when I few people made some comments that I could very much relate to. (I always thought I was just crazy or depressed.)

My anxiety about people leaving me has to do with me losing my easy connections to my oxytocin boosts time and tie again. Women have more tricks to have these boosts whereas men do not [like to do these things; even think to do these things; admit to desire these things, too, so they brood by themselves]. So personally, I attach myself to these great groups of people where I feel I belong, where I feel connected and safe and relaxed whenever I am with them. And when I find these people, all I want to do with my free time is spend as much time as I can with them because oxytocin not only makes us all feel gewd insiiiiiide, but it balances out our stress levels from day to day.

So when people end up putting space between me and them, I lose that easy connection to boost my nervous system with oxytocin; I lose that easy connection to let go of that stress, to relax, to feel happy almost immediately. And with the absence of this "easy connection", I feel the opposite: I feel alone, sad, depressed, everything's about me and my problems (though I try to listen as much as I can to others and how they need to be listened to, too). BAD! Sooo Soo So SO bad. This is not good. This is not okay! Here I go time after time feeling sad and lonely and "depressed", when I'm not depressed, precisely, I've just been so used to a certain amount of a specific hormone running through my body that the absence of it has me squirming!

And I think (as long as I have still been on the correct track throughout all of this) that kids and most teenagers who go through school and are told by their doctors and families that "oh, they must just be depressed".....That the real case is THIS! I mean, clearly the absence of oxytocin causes some sort of depression in our bodies, but it isn't the same as being mentally ill with depression to where you need to take anti-depressants! People need to be told and understand about this hormone. As soon as they realize that maybe this is why they feel so blue at times...is the time they can pinpoint their problem, claim it as their own, and re-take control in their lives starting with how they view the new day.

Any thoughts? And ideas?

So. Now I'll blurb about Creative Therapy.

The reason creative therapy is a good idea is because all of these creative processes (music, art, dance, photography, writing, etc.) help reduce stress levels because they boost oxytocin.

When stress levels are lowered, people allow the mind to clean up, to balance, organize, prioritize and come to a self-realization about what they've been doing wrong, OR RIGHT, in their lives, and then are allowed to come up with solutions with what to do about this or that that has them stressed, confused, and mind-boggled.

Food for thought. Lemme know if I am entirely wrong on this.

I'm just....happy. :)

22:18.

I'm Done. See Ya!

When I was younger, I would take everything to heart. On top of that, I've always been pretty empathetic.
For a while I felt everything the moment I was supposed to.
Eventually, I was tired of all of the hurt, the betrayal, the sadness, the loneliness.
I shut it off. Or at least, I bottled up for a later date and time to cry about it and feel it.

Recently, someone close to me told me that it was probably not healthy. That I should FEEL what I'm supposed to feel as it happens! Ya'know....you live, you learn, you move on.

So now I am stuck in between feel Very happy and bottled up...and very depressed at the same time.

Within the past six months, I have been lied to, led on, used, left, ignored, cut out, left behind, deleted, and everything has made me feel so lost! I'm in and out of tears as I write this.

I have had SO many great things happen, though, too. I moved out and into my own place. My roommate is awesome! In total, we have 4 pets. I upgraded on a bed size. I got to have and decorate my own room for the first time since I was 11 years old. I've met new people and made new friends.

But no one is close. My four three best friends all live out of state.
Shelby --> Wisconsin.
Lauren --> Utah.
Theresa --> Texas.

Kaylin ...erased herself from my life. I won't let her go, though. I can't. She's my Kaylin, she's my best friend. She's who holds me together. She's the one constant since I was born; as long as we know of each other and miss each other and are friends, then I am okay. I am sane. I am whole.

But I'm not whole. I'm very broken.


About a year ago, I started hanging out with these new friends I had made.
Nuri, a Turkish goof that..reminded me of truth, reality, of who I strive to be. He and I grew close. He seemed to get me, listen to me, know how to make things make sense in my head where others had failed. He became a really important person in my life. I don't consider people family just on a whim, but he became somebody that I wanted as a brother in my life. He felt like family, he treated me like family.
Andrew, a hippie no doubt, is really into music. And I could relate, because so am I. He's really talented and has a really kind heart. I know that I can always find a friend in him because he's just...a mellow, awesome person that just tries to do his best, which everyone loves him for.
Rob isn't as goofy as he is simply a dork. Super silly, but really smart. He always knows how to lighten up a situation. :)
Carson is hilarious. He really holds himself up in a manner that makes him outgoing and really easy to talk to. We get into these serious talks sometimes and I really enjoy being there for him as he is for me.
And Connor..is a wicked person. In the cool sense, of course. He's witty, always has something to say, and tries to do the things that make the most sense to him. Plus, he's really good a writing raps.
Wally is a sweetheart. He's usually chillaxed and thoughtful, but can be silly and creative too. It's always a good time when we get to hang with Wally.

So then I moved...
And my Aunt didn't keep her word about paying them for helping me move. I had told them that even though she said she'd do that, there was still a chance that she wouldn't because she's old and a wee bit senile.
Well, she never paid them.
And the school semester started up. Which meant that everyone would be super busy and wouldn't be able to hang out very often.
But then ...zero responses.
Sometimes Andrew would respond..and I got a reply from both Carson and Connor. Which made me feel as if everything wasn't at a loss and it was just my anxiety making me paranoid.
But Rob won't answer back.
Nuri is completely ignoring me, to the point that he deleted me on Snapchat (which doesn't seem like a big deal, but if there was a bible for snapchat, Nuri would preach it), so I became very confused.

I though for a day that things were getting better! I waved away my doubts and moved on.

And then I wasn't invited, again. And I was ignored, again.
And.
Do I deserve to cry this much over people who I thought cared about me but flipped a switch and never go to see how I am?
If I died, how long would it take them to know about it? Until someone in my family finally posted to Facebook about it!?
So.
I've decided.

I'm leaving Facebook.

I'll still have Instagram, and Snapchat. And my phone. (duh).

But this world of Facebook doesn't help with socializing and communication. It shows you all of the good and bad times that these people you care about are having yet never said a word to you about.

I try to reach out to my family by blood that I learned about in the past 8 years...but still I'm only a reminder of disappointment or guilt, or both. I love my father. And I forgave all of them for...forgetting about me, for ignoring my existence.
But until they forgive themselves, nothing will be resolved.



I'm tired of crying over people that matter to me. And I'mm supposed to cry, because I'm supposed to feel everything at he time I feel it, and not bottle it up for later.

I'm leaving Facebook in the sense that I'll only go on when I have something great.

Many people have told me that they really appreciate what I post and that it really opens a door to them when they feel a little lost. Because I read these articles and pictures that are just inspiring and helpful to me that....if they helped me at all, I hope that they'll help others, too.

So I'll still post these posts. Hopefully happier ones in the future. I'll still post the songs I listen to in the car and sing. I'll still post pictures of event that I think are great. My tumblr account will still share my instagram photos on my feed.

But if you want to reach me.....get my phone number. Email me.

I just need a break for a while. I need to find a place where I feel like I belong again, because clearly......I don't belong anywhere right now.


And I'm getting there, I'll admit. But I'm not as far as I'd like to be.

My bonfire event is this Friday. I expect to be back on Facebook that day, then.

If you want to reach out, you know how to reach me.

If you actually read this...I'm sorry I've been a downer lately. I just hate having to call people and cry on the phone. So. I mentally (and literally, on and off, like a kid playing with a hose) cry here. Where...I can't see your faces.
Or sympathy.
Or disgust because you didn't like what you read.
Or your negativity because you think I complain too much--No. I vent. Complaining is whining about things that you cannot change, and if I can change it, I do. If there's even a chance of changing something, I try my damnedest.

I need real people, who really care about me, who won't desert me, and will be there for me as much as I'm always there.
I don't leave people, at least, not without a legit and reasonable reason (THAT I TELL THEM) to where the other person can understand.

I think I'll restart the #100dayshappychallenge but for 2015.
I need to document, go back and remember that I have been happy everyday. Because...I forget. And I hurt. And it sucks.

...I'm okay. I will be better.

"One breath and one step forward at a time." - Jupiter (For those of you who don't know, this is my musician name.)

Peace. 19:57. Time to call Shelby back and not cry. I cried here and am done now. <3

Sixth Tattoo

So this happened today:






And for the first time in a few weeks, I am exhausted and ready to sleep!

But I fear that if I sleep now, I'll wake up later and not fall back asleep again...

I also heard from my little sister that she doesn't have to graduate high school! She passed the test (in every section) and will leave Canyon Crest Academy with her GED! I'm sooooo proud of her!

Also, apparently I've lost weight...my mother noticed...
I wonder if I have or if they just haven't seen me in a while...

Where's a scale????!

Out of the six tattoos I now have, I believe this one covers the most space.

Okay..that's it for today..

Peace. 20:54.

#GiveHelp

I desire vast amounts of forests and history caked into the ground, not uprooted from their homes from where they were born, grew and thrived.

I want to see animals and people, places that you only know to be in movies but are Actually Real.

I want to spread creativity across the globe.

I want to spread confidence and positivity to everyone.

I don't want a single soul to think or feel that they are not wanted or not meant to be here, living here on this planet.

There is *always* a reason, always a dream, always a thought, and always a heart full of hope and passion..

People will *always* need help, whether it's minor or great. ‪#‎GiveHelp‬

2:17. I tried to go to sleep early...and then a little later (still early)...and then little later...and then at normal time...and then now. Ugh. Grr. 2:28.

Dear New Girlfriends (I think)

I.
Am Not.
Interested.
In your boyfriends.
Why?
Because they are my friends.
Furthermore, they are my brothers; yeah, they're family to me. And they mean So Goddamn much to me.
So, does it completely break my heart when they no longer reply or even look at my messages, let alone invite me to any of the stuff you all do together?
100%.
I haven't hung out with a group of girls since high school. In fact,I've been hanging out these guys instead because they are just as adventurous and supportive as I try to be. They are amazing dudes, each and every single one of them.

If allllllllllll of your super close friends either moved out of state and/or started relationships to where you are just ...left out of the picture and never included in things anymore? How would you feel?

Yeah..You'd feel worthless, and shattered, and very, very lonely.

And yeah, I've moved 15 times, so yes, I do know how to make new friends.
But that isn't the point. The point is that I wish to keep my family a part of my life, through thick and thin. So stop being jealous and controlling. I'm not going to try and do anything; besides, you should trust them and believe in yourself enough to know that they are crazy about you if they call you their girlfriend.

And if for some reason, it isn't because of you Girlfriends..

Then my deepest apologies.

I must be very confused about something because NO ONE WILL EXPLAIN WHY THEY ARE IGNORING ME! :'( </3

I'll write more later about other stuff.

20:16.

PS:

When people reach a breaking point..one of two things happen.
1) People fall apart, completely and utterly shattered, not knowing where to go, who to be, or what to do with themselves.
2) People get up, brush themselves off of all the hurt and pain, and move on.

I don't want to move on again after having moved on time and time again...But it's starting to look like I'll have to.

Thinking more about this a few minutes later, I realized that if the boiz cared enough about me at all, they'd come to their senses and remember to be a good friend. But...just like all things in life, there's a chance that they don't care. Not anymore. And I'm not sure what I did or said or what they did or decided that changed how our friendship was viewed...but if this was the case..then I'd at least like to know why. That way I can move on without feeling extremely hurt and left behind.

:(

I'll still post more later. 20:22.

The Good (of "The Bad & The Good")

The Good (of "The Bad & The Good")

The Good

• Before my first birthday, I gained a dad. And he raised me, and he loves me, and I don't know who I would be if he had never entered mine and my mother's life.
• Before we moved to WA when I was 6, my dad taught me how to fish. My mother home schooled me kindergarten and first grade and taught me how to read.
• For both my 7th and 8th birthdays, my parents helped me plan, set up, and throw my first real birthday parties where friends showed up. We had so much fun!
• For my 7th birthday, my dad got me a puppy: it was really tiny and meow all the time. I named her Vanilla because the name was suggested and her tail really does look like a vanilla bean. Also, she's actually a cat.
• I was one of the leads in a musical at my elementary school. I was Franny the frog singing about how we shouldn't want to fly away from our problems, we should just face them. Ironically, the idea of flying somewhere (with flying powers) fascinates me.
• I knew my parents would always be there for me, and when I was 9, I finally realized just how far my parents would go to protect me. :')
• I also found my love of pet snakes when I was .
• One of my best friends now, I met back when I was 10. We were definitely each other's arch enemy, but we made it strong and true in the end. <3
• My partner-in-crime, the one girl who stayed my friend throughout it all when I was 10 & 11.....I will always hold a place for her in my heart. I love you, Jacky!
• When I was 12, I not only reconnected with my BEST FRIEND EVER (Kaylin), but I made my first best friend at a school. We read off the announcements and spoke the national anthem over the loud speaker every morning. "Have a Great Day, Bobcats! Grr!"
• When I was 13, I remembered to fall back in love with my books and reading. And oh boy, did I!
• Which leads to how Shelby and I ended up meeting....some random chat site..and we eneded up talking about reading.....and it went literally EVERYWHERE after that. <3 One of my soulmates, most definitely. No matter who we are or where we go, we will always me friends, sisters, twins, lovebugs, and we'll always find a way to be in each other's lives.....best friends like this just...don't end when we die (!) but they follow and lead us anywhere! Shelby, you are (tearing up, fyi) the one person I can 1234567890,000,000,000,000,000,000 % count on, no matter What. I love you!
• When I was 14, I made my first, true-hearted best friend, and I knew this because she stood up for me without my asking her to, without my knowing she was going to; she did it because she is one of the most 'good' people I know on this planet. I met her on our first day in choir together freshman year. She was who convinced me to audition for CCA's Vocal Conservatory. Jamie Hart knows me, sometimes better than I know myself.
• I also met my biological father's mother and even my aunt (who is only a few years older than I am).
• I got my first (under-the-table) job working for my aunt.
• When I was 15, I finally found a group of kids that I felt like I belonged to.
• That's also where I learned that one of my closest friends was pagan as well, so we started holding circles together.
• I also joined CCA's Vocal Conservatory (Yeah, I got in..) and this lasted until the end of my high school career, ending with a black (or was it silver?) c[h]ord at my graduation.
• I became closer with one of my best friends now. It started with choir and turned into: "This girl is so loving, caring, creative, sweet, intelligent, and Deserving of a Real friend in her life, and I'll be damned if I'm not always there for her, noooooo matter what!" I love you, Lauren!
• I went camping at Flagstaff and met some cool friends from Switzerland that I still keep in touch with.
• I got my second under-the-table-job working for Amber Flynn, an astrological counselor.
• When I was 16, I met my first boyfriend and was given my first kiss.
• I not only met my biological father, but I met his wife and his wife's entire family on Easter. (This includes my loving, amazing, wonderful step-half-aunt-in-law [step-mother's half brother's wife] Aunt Timmie Ballard! <3)
• My junior prom: I looked just like a brunette Monroe. <3
• I went on a month-long road/camping trip with my mother, sister, and grandparents.
• I MET SHELBY IN PERSON FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER!
• I met and became SUPER close to the one and the only Desi Admire. SHe, too, was pagan, so we would have our celebrations. :)
• The summer just before I turned 17...yeah. A summer I'll never forget.
• When I was 17: I was attached by my fingertips to the pianos at the school; that and the couch in the office to take naps on.
• This is when I was a Senior in high school.
• I looked like a high-class faery at prom.(Did anyone else go throughout all of their school dances and never have a date? Yep...we're in the same boat.) [Oh wait....I Was set up once...............but...........-crickets-]
• I graduated high school!
• I got my first "real" (over-the-table) job: Starbucks. I lasted 7 months, and never cried because, while on, or because of the job.
• I got my motorcycle permit.
• I started college.
• When I was 18, I got my first tattoo!
• I became more hippie by hanging out with truly down-to-earth&spirit people.
• I started my self-employment job as a private music teacher!
• I got my motorcycle license!
• I learned I have a 'Learning Difference'.
• I "lived" at a friend's for 2-ish weeks.
• I "lived" at a boyfriend's for 2-ish weeks.
• I MET THE BOIZ! They became family to me. Nuri, especially, a soulmate brother. Always there for me, always listening, always offering me advice, always including me, always being an AMAZING person. I love him so much. And especially Andrew, Carson, Connor, Rob, and Wally. They each have their own special place in my heart. They each and every single one mean so much to me.
• I started bouldering!!
• I started going camping soooooooooooo often, i LOVE it!
• I also got my 2nd, and 3rd tattoo.
• ALSO, SHELBY CAME TO CALIFORNIA!!!
• When I was 19, I got my 4th, 5th (and my 6th tattoo is coming up shortly, PS).
• I went outdoor bouldering for the first time at THE GRAND CANYON!
• I fell *in* love for the first time. Stupid me..
• I moved out of my parent's place and into my own place. (With roommate and 'zoo'.)
• I started working at a chocolate shop as a "safety net" for my self-employment.
• I got a car!

And to infinity and beyond of sooooooooooo many more adventures before September rolls around!

I was in a rush because it's late and I'm tired (on time) for once, so things may be missing, or typed weird, or...whatever..I'm just super tired now.. Maybe because I went bouldering tonight. And while I showed up to meet one person (for a friend, kind of a set up....:[[[[[[[ ), I ended up leaving after meeting and talking to for an hour and a half to this totally awesome and really chill guy named Matt. We established we at least both qualify as nerds and that we are now climbing buddies! :)

Adieu, adieu: 2:02. <3

The Bad (of "The Bad & The Good")

The Bad

• Before I was even a year old, my father left me.
• When I was 3, I had to move with my family away from my best friend.
• Before I was 7, I had been heartbroken by "friends"[kids who bullied me at my daycare] that never showed up to my 4th, 5th, or 6th birthday parties.
• When I was 7, I was bullied for wanting to fit in. Because I was a year younger than everyone in my grade because I skipped a grade.
• When I was 8, this girl that I wanted to become friends with told me she'd only be my friend if I told my others friends that I couldn't be there friend anymore. I didn't know any better. I didn't understand that I couldn't just go back to them if this girl turned out to bully me.
• When I was 9, these girls pretended to be my friend for a time. When they stopped including me in things, I asked why. They said it was because I was no longer the "new girl" and that they didn't want to be my friend. All I ever did was read or catch butterflies. 
• And then there was an incident. where a bad man almost did a bad thing to me.......My family had to move away.
• When I was 10, I befriended this girl who became my rival. I drew a naked picture of her running down the street to try and embarrass her.
• When I was 11, the friends I had started treating me really poorly, so I wrote them each a personal letter to express how I felt when they said this or did that. They turned around, balling up the letters and throwing them at me while I was on the school bus.
• When I was 12, I had these new friends. Some were in an drama class of mine and they ended up doing something that made them look ridiculous. I didn't realize how it sounded when I told them at the time, because I was just trying to save them from further embarrassment......but I came off sounding like a complete and utter bitch when I told them that they shouldn't rap.
• Also, my best friend asked me to lie for her and take responsibility for something she had done so that she wouldn't get in trouble..but I couldn't afford it..so I told her no. She blamed me anyways. With that stab in the back, we were no longer friends.
• When I was 13, I learned about who my biological father was and why I never knew about him. My depression sank in deep at that point. I thought that perhaps the reason people had always ripped themselves out of my life was because I was "cursed". It was definitely the start of my realizing I had abandonment issues.
• There was some dramatic power struggles in my new friend group of girls. Lies and rumors twisted around and just everything sucked.
• When I was 14, this group I was friends with from middle school all ganged up on me one day at lunch. I was sitting on the ground and they just formed an arc from my left to my right, with me against the wall. They accused me of random rumors that I'm sure someone else in their group had started..they basically pummeled me emotionally. I was a wreck after that.
• And when this one chick started freaking out and asked why I would wear such a cute shirt if it made my breasts look bigger.........It was a cute top, and it didn't make my breasts *look* bigger, they were just bigger than hers.
• I started hanging out with this group of kids that used to go to Catholic school. Things were amazing for a time..but later they stopped replying. Started ignoring. Never telling me what our plans were. Finally when I asked what was up, they said, "We thought you'd get the hint that we don't want to be your friend anymore." This broke me down so much. My depression dug itself a home so deep inside me that I have been struggling everyday since then; a constant battle.
• By 17, I had learned to push people that I cared about away before they could leave me, or worse, change their life plans just to stay with me.
• When I was 18, I learned to #college and miss my friends that had moved away for school. (Not a new concept for me). I learned to balance ME-time with work-time, school-time, family-time and social-time.
• I had one really close friend that I spent most of my time with....but things ended over some dude. She was very............opinionated, and wanted to be treated as a "Queen".

I am halfway through my 19th year of life. My best friend who was never supposed to leave me, give up on me, or cut me out of her life.......did. And it was over a "what if" scenario about ...A GUY. And then I let it all out about how she really made me feel. I went to everything of hers that I could because I wanted to her to know that I will always support and love her. But never once, did she ever go to a thing of mine. She got mad at me because I was shining light on a part of her she didn't want to believe in, especially because that was a side of her that her new boyfriend would never see of her.

On top of that, the guy I had fallen in love with (the first guy I had ever fallen IN love with) was just leading me on and ended up being a cocky jerk. And then I started seeing someone new. Who ended up being self-destructive. I loved him (as I love deep and often for many), and even though he was IN love with me, I was not with him, even though I wanted to be. His self-destructive brain tried to cheat on me, and when that didn't shoo me away, it decided that moving away for a job was a good plan. (And on a selfish note: That didn't help my abandonment issues! As if I didn't already feel that I wasn't worth staying for; people only always leave). But the job was a good plan, because his 3-year old daughter will grow up eventually needing more support from her father, and with a real-world job, he can afford to save and care for her (at least, that's the plan). And most recently, I found that a friend of mine, a very close friend of mine, someone whom I considered a brother to me.......has blocked me on snapchat, is not reading nor replying to my messages, and is just simply ignoring me. On top of that, the entire friend group that I had thought was my family.......I just rarely hear from anymore.

And I KNOW I'm not alone. I KNOW how happy I am alone here at home with my cat, (roommate's) dog, snake, and (roommate's) iguana, and my vast amount of books, and my music(!!!!!!!!!!!!), and my bed for much #sleeps and #Netflix , all the way...I looooove love lurv my personal time to walk around the apartment naked and just Be. Me.

But I miss people. I miss my family. I miss the family I have created for myself. I miss camping. I miss being a part of somewhere, of a group of someones.

I'll post The Good tomorrow.

Peace. 1:50.

Bawling about "If I Stay"

So...
It's been a while.

A lot has happened and yet not much is going on.

Dylan will probably be getting this job that he really wants, which means he'll be moving to Washington state.

I always said that I want to return to Washington someday in the next 10 years.

...

Back in high school, my best friend lent me a book she had just read. If I Stay was so heart-wrenching that I refused to read the sequels.
However, (and even though the movie has been out for a while now) I just watched it.

First, it reminded me that I've always been curious about living in Oregon. Something throughout school and driving to and fro and hearing stories and seeing pictures and watching..movies....Something always brings me back to Oregon. This pull. This need to go.

Second, I was told that I could have tried to go to Julliard. And I probably could have...but that wasn't where I felt my life going. My gut always has different plans.

Third, Would Lauren, would Kaylin, Jamie, Drew, Nuri, Andrew, Carson, Rob, Connor, Eduard, James, Ryan, Skylar, Kyle, Andrew, Malia, ...would they all come and visit me if I were thrown into a coma? Would they rush to my side as soon as they heard the news? Or would they wait until there was more permanent news, positive or negative? Or until time was more convenient (work, school, etc.)
I know ALLLLLLL of my family would, from every single which ways and corners that I have family, I know they would all be there. Mostly.
Would my grandfather who lives in Washington fly down with my Aunt, Uncle and Annabelle?
I know Dylan and Caroline would visit. and Most Definitely Theresa. And with all of my heart, I KNOW Shelby would. (PS: My will is that Shelby shall be given custody of all of my stuffed animals.)
At the drop of the words tumbling out of my phone about the news, I would rush to any of their sides, Anyone mentioned above here. I care a lot about these people. These people are who I have made a part of my family in my life..you don't just shy away from family. I would pause work, school, Anything....for the people I care about.
Would my students be told? Would they know that it would warm my heart to know that they, too, visited?

Fourth, I've always wanted to learn how to play cello.

Fifth, I wish I could write songs that were great.

Sixth, I'm still crying. Damn.

My mother always watches these super sad, sappy, romantic movies...("P.S. I Love You")
In a way, there is a sappy romance in this movie, but...it's more than that. It's more well-rounded than that. "If I Stay" has most definitely become my favorite "sad" movie.

Food for music, food for thought,

1:45.