Emptiness and Space

He doesn't know this yet, but I am actually going to reinforce this "time and space apart" ordeal.

Getting super drunk to that extent? No. Nope! Not okay.

I should feel betrayed, hurt, sad, angry even, but I completely feel nothing.

I need time to process this, and he needs time to understand why he let things get so far.

Good night.

Take care to glance at the moon and Venus this evening. Breathtaking. I'm sure tomorrow will be the same. :)

23:22

Semi-Untouchable

Eyes
Lips
Hair
Lips
Clothes
Lips

Untouchable
Actually liked my food
Self-restraint
Half-jokingly fear
Self-restraint
Embarrassment
Cuddles
Self-restraint
Laughing
Self-restraint
Fear of getting DISEASED
Half-self-restraint
Laughs
Lips
Gives in to 'the lips'
Laughs

Cuddles
Embarrassment
Desire to actually sleep
Tickles (always)
Cuddles
Smiles
Kisses
Goodbyes

Hello lonely bed.

1:38.

Oh so much peace onto seams of those dreams, more please.

Thing 1 and Thing 2

I have these words..

So many words for so many different things running around and around my mind.

1) (Erased.)

2) I am so glad to be home. Mammoth was beautiful, as I am sure it is even MORE beautiful if there was real snow not melting on the mountain side versus the fake snow ice melting on it, but the fact that I was able to get away for the entire weekend without any worries or cares....
Well I did care. I cared that everything was so damned expensive. I cared that it was super dry. I cared that the bed (I have discovered that I think King Size Beds are too big) was uncomfortable...
But mostly, and this is a good point, that I care about the person I went with, knowing that he really cares about me, too.

3) Today marked the Ten Year Anniversary that scarred a fraction of my childhood. R.I.P Jim Phillips. May you have forgiven yourself for those you wronged in your life and if your ghost wanders, I hope you look upon your family in new, clean, healthy eyes.

4) I am scared. Because once before was a fairytale that never came true and I had to slam my brain, heart, and soul into that realization. Another time before, everything clicked into place and everything felt so beautifully right in the world..I was motivated to be a cleaner person than I already was, to quit bad habits,  to eat healthier, to become a better version of who I was and become who I wanted to be....But two paths may run side by side for a lifetime, crossing only once to be tangled for a short while only to be separated again and continue on each other's own way. Both hurt, and the second hurt more than the first, so...if I allow this to happen, if I allow my heart to bare itself to another, I know it will only hurt even more than the first two combined...And I want to! I am just terrified because...

To love and to *be in* love, are two different things.
I happen to be a person that loves so very, very easily. To be in love is something that I have only briefly scratched the surface of before everything changed and I was on my own again, only to love myself.

I love easily. I do love, all the time!

I guess what I'm terrified of is how long it will take this heart of mine to feel safe enough that it wants to be in love, but more than just a scratchy surface.

I'm scared that it will take too long to realize, or that I will be the disappointing factor.

With this, I can't be number one. So how do I be number two, but just as important as number one?

Cannot Be Bothered

I cannot be bothered to count how long it has been since I last posted.

Allow me to summarize how things have gone since the 17th:

-Kaylin cannot be bothered to respond to me or even tell me of big life decisions. {I instead have been left to hear things 3rd hand from my mother}

-Dylan and I have been dating for a month. Serious words in silly conversations. Or was it silly words in serious conversations? Time flies by, and we both know that we just dislike not being able to see each other every day.

-Roomie: She's been on a mini trip visiting her family, and she'll be leaving again soon with her boyfriend to visit Texas.

-Classes have been great. I got a B on my first test in my Psych class. (NOISE-CANCELLATION HEADPHONES ROCK!) And I have decided to not drop my Humanities class, but only because I wouldn't have been refunded for the class.

-I went hiking and spent the day with my mother and grandmother. Us 3 generations eventually went and got some specific papers that now allows us to be greener and healthier people.

-I haven't put my laundry away yet. I believe it's been almost a week now, sitting there in the basket on my floor.

-Dylan has finished Season 1 of Game Of Thrones LAST NIGHT! That happened after we both napped the afternoon away because..life.

-Gilmore Girls is still sad to me, at the moment.

-I'm going camping this weekend with the boiz. JOSHUA TREE

-My mother turns 37 on Sunday. I have something super duper uber planned that she (and myself) will loooooooooooooooove.

I have been wanting to write more. I'm just...more busy now.
I promise to be better! And to read more! As soon as GIlmore Girls is over, I'm going in a reading binge. OLD! NEW! CLASSICS! I'mma read until I get sick of it (unlikely)!

Tootles! <3
13:35.

PS: I wonder if when we are hyper-sensitive to all physical senses, we are equally as hyper-sensitive to spiritual senses?^

1.5

1.5 weeks, I am terrible.

Within all of this time, I have taken several pictures of Fleuris. I have had Fleuris get used to me; he/she (I'll reference to both "he" and "she" until I know) likes to curl around my neck and climb through my hair. At one point, Fleuris even curled around my bun and wouldn't let go. I ate my dinner and cleaned the apartment with her sitting there. I'll post pictures soon.

I have been working and working and studying and sleeping and rinse, and repeat.

Plus I've been spending a lot of time with Dylan. I don't think we've gone 24 hours since Jan. 31 without seeing each other. So today until tomorrow, for 24 hours, we will NOT make up excuses to see each other or accidentally bump into each other. Because we keep doing that. Eek oops.

Roomie and I and our apartment sprayed for ants and spiders. I still find one or two her and there, but nothing like before.

I am always up and out and busy, up and out and busy, up and out, and busy, busy, busy.
So I think for the rest of this week, I will relax. Yes. I don't have work at the chocolate store until Sunday, so aside from my 2 classes this week and my musical students...I will come HOME to MY HOME and relax to the best of my ability.

Tonight, a group of us (not Dylan, he's not invited, that way the 24-hours thing holds) are going to Vital to climb. I haven't been in TOO :LONG and I seriously need to get back into a regular schedule of going. How about Tuesday nights and Sunday nights or Monday mornings and Wednesday mornings, for starters.

I went to Kyle's graduation, and I feel like one of the biggest idiots. Regardless of what I may have said in previous posts, I know that we have nothing left except possibly a friendship, that is, if he ever stops ignoring me. He's still in love with his ex, which is very clearly obvious, which makes me wonder what he was ever doing with me and how I could have ever meant anything. I think for the time we had, it was good, but that time was up while he was away. He gave up which told me to give up. On him, at least. Which, honestly, and for multiple reasons, is for the better. If he ever stops ignoring me because he's scared of what he thinks I'll say, then I know we'll be better as friends as we had been before. I was happy before he became more as a friend. I was happy when he did. I was happy when he left. And I was still happy when he told me that we should just be friends. He told me that at the New Year, though I think we both know that as soon as he hugged me goodbye that Sunday back in early November, that's when he had planned on everything ending. And I was still happy when he came back.

Two reasons. 1) I don't hold onto emotions or "what ifs". I cut them, like two boats at sea, cutting the tether between the two. You may still be able to see each other every now and then, but the rope to emotions and the heart...snip! I've always been like that. 2) I am happy with my life as if I were all by myself. Luckily, I'm not; I have family and friends and pets. But I am happy with my school, I am happy with my jobs, I am happy with where I moved, and I'm happy with how I spend my time. I. Am. Happy. All on my own. I don't lean or depend on others in order to make myself smile or feel excited.

So when the end of January rolled around and Dylan lived right down the road to invite me to hang out with him and his friends and chill a bunch, this very familiar stranger turned into who I've spent so much time with this past 17 days straight. The smallest things go noticed, the stupidest of things get laughed at, and I don't feel like I have to prove myself to be better. I'm liked for who I am; just for being me, I am enough.

Here are the pics of Fleuris. :)

1 Week. And now.

What significance "one week" has.

It's been one week since I stopped blogging, but not on purpose.
And it's one week until I am left feeling absolutely ridiculous about my feelings.

Also in one week, I'll be taking my little sister to the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

And then I am working on Valentine's Day. I'm not a participant of Valentine's Day, mainly because I'd rather give/receive gifts and shared emotions on a day that it isn't expected. I don't like expectations, but I do love spontaneity and surprises.

This past week has been one of very much socializing. New people, new ideas.

AND! I'm going to go get my snake today. I found her/him. She is a ball python, lightly colored with what looks like a flower on the top of her head and coal black eyes.
That flower earned the name Fleuris.

I will shower and and head over to Petco to pick Fleuris up and then do some homework and cleaning and then head to work, stop by to get the snake home for the snake, and then voila. Evening made better and perfect. The snake will live atop my dresser. :)
But right now: Agent Carter! Oh yeessshhh :)

Tuesday Wednesday Thursday

Um.

27 Tuesday 2015:
I............................Oh yeah! So my new friend Sean and I played tourist of Balboa Park on Tuesday morning. We did this because we were on the search for "The Architecture of San Diego" and I thought that around those parts was a good place to look. Obviously there were plenty more in Downtown, but we got a pretty good list from Coronado Bridge and Balboa Park.

I made it home before I had to leave to teach. And I basically taught for the remainder of my day.

Once that was over, I had some time to kill before going to babysit. So of course I called on my dear pal FishBoy to see if he'd accompany to dinner so we could catch up. We did and things are gooooooood.
Babysitting was a pleasant enough of a night. I finished watching the kids movie after the kids went to bed. Pretty solid game-plan for babysitting.

28 Wednesday 2015:
I had Psych and then I had lessons to teach. After the lessons I went and visited my family. (I didn't have to b at babysitting until later) I had dinner and caught up with my mom. My dad played video games and that lulled me into a good hour or so nap before my little sister came home and it was time for me to leave.

Babysitting was.........Same. But I think I watched Gilmore Girls on my phone. ;) :P

29 Thursday 2015:
I opened at the chocolate store today ANOTHER old couple came in and tipped the college fund jar. They then proceeded to ask where I went and what were my goals and plans for my life. I explained and told them all that I had on my plate to answer their questions and they were so impressed that they tipped me an extra $5 on top of the $2 they had given previous conversation. They told me that they believed in me, and even thought we are strangers, they could tell that I would go far. When they left, I cried. I have always had my family's support and belief in me, telling me that I can reach anything I set myself to. But they have had the time to get to know me, to see what I've achieved and failed at, and they still believe in me. But these were strangers! They only had the chance to see the passion in my eyes and the story of my hopes and they were dead set on believing in me! So yeah, I cried. I was overjoyed! :')

Gave the twins their lessons. I think we actually made headway today, so I'm very happy with the sign that I'm actually getting in their head and we're moving forward. :)

Class was...long. And interesting. So much conversation on architecture! And I gave my professor my business cards as he had asked. However, I was a little bummed when he told me that the song I wrote (the one I wrote after his class because he inspired me) was similar to a Randy Newman song. I looked up the song he thought it was and it sounded nothing similar. So either he told me the wrong song (or I searched the wrong song) or maybe I just have something similar to whatever the song is that Randy Newman has. Hopefully it's the latter. I mean, I have only heard the one song by Newman, and it's the song that's in ToyStory. When I wrote the piece, I simply sat there at the piano, played what came to mind, recorded it, and voila! All in one sitting.

Meep.

Well tomorrow is my day off!!!!!!!!! But there is lots to do, lots to do, people to see, and more people to see. But at least I don't have any work. :) And I have friends. Woohoo!


Alright. No netflix tonight, sorry Lorelei and Rory.

Bonnenuit! 23:09.