Thing 1 and Thing 2

I have these words..

So many words for so many different things running around and around my mind.

1) (Erased.)

2) I am so glad to be home. Mammoth was beautiful, as I am sure it is even MORE beautiful if there was real snow not melting on the mountain side versus the fake snow ice melting on it, but the fact that I was able to get away for the entire weekend without any worries or cares....
Well I did care. I cared that everything was so damned expensive. I cared that it was super dry. I cared that the bed (I have discovered that I think King Size Beds are too big) was uncomfortable...
But mostly, and this is a good point, that I care about the person I went with, knowing that he really cares about me, too.

3) Today marked the Ten Year Anniversary that scarred a fraction of my childhood. R.I.P Jim Phillips. May you have forgiven yourself for those you wronged in your life and if your ghost wanders, I hope you look upon your family in new, clean, healthy eyes.

4) I am scared. Because once before was a fairytale that never came true and I had to slam my brain, heart, and soul into that realization. Another time before, everything clicked into place and everything felt so beautifully right in the world..I was motivated to be a cleaner person than I already was, to quit bad habits,  to eat healthier, to become a better version of who I was and become who I wanted to be....But two paths may run side by side for a lifetime, crossing only once to be tangled for a short while only to be separated again and continue on each other's own way. Both hurt, and the second hurt more than the first, so...if I allow this to happen, if I allow my heart to bare itself to another, I know it will only hurt even more than the first two combined...And I want to! I am just terrified because...

To love and to *be in* love, are two different things.
I happen to be a person that loves so very, very easily. To be in love is something that I have only briefly scratched the surface of before everything changed and I was on my own again, only to love myself.

I love easily. I do love, all the time!

I guess what I'm terrified of is how long it will take this heart of mine to feel safe enough that it wants to be in love, but more than just a scratchy surface.

I'm scared that it will take too long to realize, or that I will be the disappointing factor.

With this, I can't be number one. So how do I be number two, but just as important as number one?