star tetrahedron

I'm not you. I know this because it is I, myself, that I spend time with when all of you are busy at the same time and forget me.

I love the rain and have come to the realization I must* live somewhere it rains often so my depression can be washed away just a frequently.

Be a square, be a circle; I'll continue morphing into a star tetrahedron.

PS, happy 21st birthday to me. I'm going to go climb trees in the rain. ciao.

h2o, my mom's lemon chicken, weed, after 2am.

I have tasty water, my mom's lemon chicken leftovers [amazing], my stash of medicinal herbs, and am sitting here contemplating my life.

Most recently, I need to slow down. I need a good few weeks on my own to sort some of my life out.

I would like to get back to eating 5 small meals a day as long as i eat until I'm full each time. I need to remember to pack myself food that I can easily eat in the car or simply eat before leaving for work.

I would like to take more time to spend with myself, and Vanilla Bean.

Live life to the fullest, with wisdom and good health.

2:30. ...zzZZ bonnenuit ;-*

Midsummer is on June 21st

Dedication takes time and cultivation for the passions we hold dear.

I allow myself to be abundantly me-worthy and give all that I may for others.

Another bonfire shall commence, but this one I believe will speak a truth I should keep in sight into the cold months of 2016; who knows what my decision to move to Washington will be.

I pray, I love, & I dream.

I know wishes come true, so I never need to wonder.

Good..morning. :)

Blessed be.

What comforts me most...

I grabbed an old book that I never finished reading, and because it was about this completely other world and reality, and because I was flung smack back into that place, I realized what comforts me most.

When I grab a book or see a forest, a part of my brain depicts almost a shadow: A shadow whose eyes are my own when I look into the mirror, follow me? So whenever I read or my brain is creating imaginative realities, I sense my best friend, myself in all my truest glory; my imagination, my brain.
When I look in the mirror, I stare into my eyes, and what I see in their depths is exactly and everything my imagination is able to create and in the moment of seeing all at once, I feel home, and I feel safe.

Grow imaginations: Grow creativity.

Am I narcissist? I don't know, but I do know I absolutely love my brain, and the brains of every other human being.

We are so incredible, we just have to open our eyes and see the beauty we have within.
















^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Wow. I should apparently not write while high, which I have already done for the evening..

Goodnight. 7/6/16 2:35

Eclectic Spirituality

What Is Eclectic Spirituality?

2015

January: Moved into my first apartment.

February: Brought home the newest addition to my family, Fleur (Flake) the Ball Python.

June: Went with my family on a road-trip to Canada and Washington State to visit family and friends.

July: Became the singer/songwriter for the band Cosmic Lullaby.

September: Turned 20; started my third decade. Also, my boyfriend move in with me.

October: I discontinued working at Chuao Chocolatier.

November: Studio tiiiime for Cosmic Lullaby!
Met my biological-father's dad; I MET MY GRANDFATHER!

December: -tba-

Dear Kaylin,

   One year ago, I heatedly poured all of my bottled emotions out onto my best friend-- my sister, and it burned her. There were many factors that fed my outburst, and none of them excuse how I handled myself...

Kaylin, I am sorry. I have learned a lot about myself and others within the past year and I am hoping we can communicate again. I love you and you cross my mind every day.

My cell number is still the same; call me?

Your goof, dork, and Pooh-Bear Companion,
Sarah

How to Grow Past Depression & Anxiety

Both depression and anxiety are a reality to some people.

BUT IT SHOULD NEVER BE AN EXCUSE!

People learn to live through it, to grow past the grasp those negative tentacles.

1) Inhale. Exhale.

2) Slow down.

3) Inhale. Exhale.

4) Prioritize.

5) Eat.

6) Inhale. Exhale.

7) *Follow through with making your day a gift, not a chore.*

8) Be with, hang with, eat with, laugh with, love those that make you feel positive, happy, genuine, and REAL.

9) ONLY do things that allow you to move in a positive, forward direction. Those priorities you made (above) should be parallel with where you work and what you spend YOUR TIME doing every day.

10) Inhale. Exhale.

There is much love, much warmth, and always a pair of arms wanting to hold you, whether a mom, a dad, a sibling, cousin, aunt, uncle, friend, teacher, roommate; even if you were to walk up to a stranger and repeat "I am in desperate need of a warm hug. By chance, may I ask you for a hug?"

Y o u W i l l F i n d A H u g!

Anxiety vs Depression

My senior year in high school,  I had irregular heavy periods and cramps that would hurt enough to make me vomit and have hot and cold flashes. So I started on a birth control called the Patch. At the time, I was just beginning my sexually active life and the extra precaution made me feel better. Unfortunately, it also brought my mood to a worsened state of such extremities that I gave up all of my friends and broke up with my boyfriend and hid away. I would cry every night to fall asleep and even went to the extent of writing a suicide note. I never gave it to anyone. I never needed to. The moment I was on the floor in my bathroom, bawling my eyes out with a pair of scissors in my hand was the moment I knew that if I continued on the path I was on without help, then I would fall down such a deep, dark, cold hole.
The next day, a professor of mine for recording arts asked me how I was, sincerely, because that is the type of person he is. He always asked me this, and I always answered in a positive way. He knew I had some struggles with school and college searches and finding a place to live once I hit 18. But this one day, he asked me, looking me in the eye, and I broke right there where I stood. Luckily, most students had already left, but he sat down with me and said that he knew there was more bothering me. I told him I had been suffering and he helped me not only calm down, but re-organize my plans and how I view things. He told me to not give up and keep looking at the light that surrounds us all everywhere. He may not have said these things word for word, but what he doesn't realize is how much he truly helped me.
I went off of the birth control on my own accord. I have experimented with different types since then and have concluded that I don't want to be giving my body a drug with its power, whether positive or negative.

Now.
For those of you who have been on a regular medication (or birthcontrol) and then stopped taking it, you know that your body goes through a withdrawl of sorts where your body's hormones must regulate. I haven't been on birth control since mid-June, 2015. Within the past few months, I have been learning to slowly deal with certain situations and people while my hormones have been haywire. It's been incredibly difficult, but Micah is learning, too, how to help me and understand me.

Personally, I always thought I was just a loose cannon, a looney, a "weird" one, insecure, a loser. That's how far down a negative spiral I was. Rest assured, I am a very confident, independent individual, very happy, very calm, and very present. I know that I was just lost before and that all I needed to do was pull myself out of that particular slump.

I have read several articles and listened to several stories similar to mine, and what people have been calling this "loose cannon, a looney, a "weird" one, insecure, loser" attitude is Anxiety.

I know that when I'm overthinking and stressing myself out and losing myself to my surroundings, or even worse, thoughts........it's irrational. Most people do not have an issue with listening to an entire conversation without their mind sneaking away to run in a direction parallel to what the person is talking about. The amount of times I interrupt people to comment on a passing car, person, or tree, literally, my mind just phases in and then back out.

What truly is dreadful is that when I am the person explaining, lecturing, or telling a story and I interject constantly about this and that little thing the story could probably do without---------AND THEN I FORGET WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT!
Poof!
Gone!
Vanished!
Sometimes I can reel it back in and continue, but often time my mind goes blank as if I was never discussing anything.

I have seen signs of my memory, more short-term rather long-term, and mind doing this exactly and it terrifies me.
Micah says I am always psychoanalyzing myself, which is strenuous to my behavior, habits, decisions, and mind.






I have so. many. T H O U G H T S! coursing through my mind at all times of consciousness.

I know mediation is lovely, and I do my best to practice often! But how else do people quiet their minds? Does anyone else ever feel the same?

13:38.

Present

Past:

1. Iguana ran away.
2. Wolf was the runt of the litter.
3. Music became insanely important in my life because I met and started spending a lot of time with Micah and Greg. Micah and I write songs and Greg plays solo guitar. I am currently working on letting the drawstring to my bag of songs stay constantly open. #CosmicLullaby
4. Micah and I started dating. Yes it's serious. Yes he's living with me. Yes he's an amazing cook and cooks for me often. I have learned that a love full of passion and dreams must have bumps every now and then so that the two may grow together as a couple; it is not easy.
5. Oh yes, and due to fortunate events and revelations, I have quit over-paying MiraCosta all together and have quit the American education system. From now on, I will learn on my terms.
6. Ah, last one: I quit Chuao Chocolatier. And then another cafe emplyee quit as did the manager and both assistant managers.
7. I really am in love with Micah. It's terrifying, obnoxious, infuriating, warm, mind blowing, happy, safe, healthy and age appropriate.

Future:

1. Music Students!
2. Looking for a new house, with Micah and hopefully roommates(?)!
3. Upgrading Fleur's tank because he got way bigger!

Ta ta 19:48.

Pre-back to almost-normal.

My mind has been blown it's too much for myself to handle writing it all down!
SO!
One day at a time, one post at a time.
What I have learned since my last post is...intense.

Normal is not being able to post everyday because you're busy with real life things-who, then, when busy-real-life-stuff happens, would sit down and blog still everyday?

Sorry! I've been busy!

But I will try to return once a week.

Update: -title is still to be established- will be published soon. <3

Much love,

Jupiter
9:00. Off to Chuao!

Peace.

Have you ever had to make a decision between what you want, knowing that it would probably be awesome, and doing what you think is morally and justifiably the right thing to do?

I'm scared. And...it's because all I have to do is leap and I'd be flying! I just know it.
But...time is measured for a reason.

I should really take time to meditate upon this.

Peace. 13:00.

Crywolf

I could have waited for you; I could've waited years.

But it's hard, you know, to wait on someone who doesn't want you, when you aren't even their first choice.

What's worse is I feel like I'm the convenient hole-filler. (Think less dirty and more emotional.)

Either people were off to college, or it was specifically a mutually-convenient fling, or I was just some girl, or we were just friends, or they were rebounding, or I was the new play thing, or they needed companionship before they joined the military, knowing that it was just a fling, and leading me on, or I wasn't good enough to stay true or to just stay, or I'm just ...at the sidelines.

I'm done waiting. I'm just going to go.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
And then you come back in at the most random of moments, hoping I wouldn't notice you checking me out. You think so little of me and still pop back in to remind me of what I miss.

But then, I miss every good moment, ever in my life, because those are the ones that truly count, that remind us how good being human feels.


Song of the Day: Bedroom Eyes - Crywolf & Ianberg

good night. 249.

Storm Warning = PMSing

Ladies & Gentleman, when a girl is going through her pre-menstrual cycle (The "before" her period) or her post-menstrual cycle (The "after" her period), she is often times going to be super clingy and annoying and bitchy, demanding her own way, OR she'll be very awkward and distant, feeling anxious and restless, wanting nothing but to feel normal again.

I...am a good mix of the two, I admit.

I was so busy and in the "go-go-go" mood that I hadn't eaten since Thursday night.
Which means I didn't eat at all Friday. I had many different beverages, but no food.

So last night I couldn't sleep. I was either too warm or too cold. And I just felt a little uncomfortable. I had no idea why!
I ended up going and sleeping on the couch as to not wake Matt up and fell asleep with the cat.

At somepoint in the middle of the night I must have woken up and walked back into the room because I woke up in the bed, not on the couch, and I was not carried back.

I ended up going home once I finally allowed the noises in the room to enter my consciousness and I woke up.

I treated my cat for fleas again, this time with  medicine, not a shampoo, and I completely cleaned out my fridge.

I realized how terrible irritated I was. I blogged--as previously posted, and I went to work.
Ordered food.
Drank water.
And I could feel myself returning. A natural high called "Being Myself Again" was just the dose I needed.
Plus the good company of my coworker, James was pleasant. Is pleasant.

I'm now looking forward to this evening. Before, I was going because it'd be good for me. But I'm excited to be out and about now. :)

Happy days are to stay positive.

18:06.

!!!Storm Warning!!!

The weather was misty and full gloom when I left on my roadtrip.

We started out with my grandparents in their truck with their dog Abby, and me, my mother, my sister, and her boyfriend in the jeep; both vehicles towing campers.

The first place we spent the night had giant ass cockroaches that swarmed everywhere on the ground.
That was also the first time that I smoked a joint with my mom.

The second night was better.

The 3rd day, we made it to my Aunt K's place up in Langley, B.C. We spent a week there.

• Drinking
• Cigarettes
• Pot
• Hash
• Drama
• Tensions
• Sass

But also

• Love
• Warmth
• Family
• Fun
• Happiness
• Belongingness.

I realized that even though through the friends I make, I make my own family, I have a family that loves me and holds me dear. I do belong somewhere, even if I don't always want to be there allllll of the time.

Important side note: I was really happy that I was able to spend time with my Aunt Heather. <3

We left Canada and spent the night in Forks, WA. We did some hiking in the rainforest there and at the beach down at La Push. AMAZING! GORGEOUS! Fun. :)

We went to Edwall, WA next. In the middle of fucking NO WHERE! But...I liked it. We were in the middle of no where, drinking wine, enjoying good food and Highly Missed company, and music, and bonfires, and pot, and warmth. I felt truly at peace there. <3

Walla Walla, WA was interesting. I loved being able to connect with my 3-year-old cousin. It was insanely hot, though. Anywhere east of Seattle was just desert. There were a ton of wheat farms, but other than that, everything looked dead to me. I am so happy that I was able to see my Aunt Becca and my Uncle. Being there was a lot of fun and I am SO happy that I was able to make it to go on this trip.

The drive back was brutal. Let's just summarize it all with one word: ESTROGEN

I'll leave you to your conclusions about my mother and sister.

Finally I was home! So happy!

Only to find out that Vanilla has fleas. So I shampooed her and cleaned the entire apartment (seeing as no one had since I left 17 days prior).

I went climbing later in the week. Hung out with friends. Said goodbye to Lexi who moved back to Boston. Spent a lot of time with Matt.

Had a bonfire. Only 2 people showed up. Most people didn't even tell me that they weren't going to show. They just left me hangin, waiting on them.Clint and Cage. It was "rainy" and no one wanted to drive to where I was saving the bonfire pit for them all day long.
I fucking missed saying goodbye to Trevor because of that. I'm fucking pissed!

But I'm glad that Kai and I got to catch up and spend time together.

Clint ended up dipping out and went to another party, which was understandable. Cage and I ended up moving things to her place down the road. Between darts and wine and good country music, I had an AMAZING night. So I'm really happy that things turned around.

I feel that lately, all I ever do is wait on others.

I drive here, I drive there, I buy this, I do that, I go out of my way to try to do things that will make others happy, and.........I'm left hangin. Waiting. Wondering.

And it's not as if I'm not doing my own thing...because I am. I just try to include others as well.

So.

Maybe I'll just stop including other.
Maybe I'll stop all social networking.
Maybe I'll just go and do where I wanna go and do what I wanna do.

I was able to hang out with Angel and met some of her friends. They seem really awesome. One of them, Greg, is super into music recording and mixing, so we're definitely going to meet up and see what we can come up with.

And things between me and Nuri had been a little off for the past 6 months, but everything seems....better. <3 Which is good. Because he's my bro. I just.....it's going to be hard allowing myself to trust him as much as I once did. Only time will heal.

I'm hormonal. Tired. Hungry (I haven't eaten since...Thursday night when I went to my mother's for family dinner and we ate tacos.
Wait.
No.
Later that night I ate fries from In-n-Out.

I just can't eat.
I can't sleep.
I can't focus.
I'm overly annoyed lately.
I'm confused.
I'm emotionally bruised.

And I feel like I'm just a person to fill spaces until something better comes along.
I don't feel wanted.
I don't feel appreciated.

I'm cranky.
I'm tired.
I just want to cuddle and take a nap without having anything to do all day.

I have a lot to say about what I feel, but I've been suppressing how i feel so that I don't come on too strong to everyone around me.

And I have work in half an hour and haven't showered or eaten yet.
Wish me luck.

...I'll be fine. I always am.

It's just.....It's not easy being strong. It's not easy to hold myself together and not need others. But, I can't need others, because who would I turn to? I can't always turn to my mom, as much as I love her.

Rant over due to time not because my thoughts are silent. My thoughts are raging like a hurricane, swirling my thoughts and emotions and bodily functions up into the air and around and bashing into my rib-cages and heart and stomach and ......k bye.

Happy Fourth?
Sing the star spangled banner whenever you see fireworks! (Or at least, sing it once today)?

14:05

Work is at 14:30. I will be late.

Human

I think too much and say a lot of wrong things.

Sometimes I love to be alone. Sometimes, I feel too alone.
And when that happens, I tend to accidentally smother people.
I've gotten better! I don't smother as much..
I guess it just stems from seeing so many people with a solid group or crew and I'm just..sitting at home with my cat, my piano, my books, and pens and paper, and my laptop.
Which is great! I love having these things and being able to spend some quality time with myself. :)
But
At the same time
All of my thoughts flood and pour into the cracks so that I feel stung, just a little bit.

I simply have to remember that I constantly make sure that there is shit I need to take care of, and that I just need to jump to doing those things.

Being a girl is hard.
Being human is hard.

But it's also beautiful.
Fun.
Inspiring.
Amazing!
Impressive.
Courageous.
Creative.
Colorful.
Lucky.

Trust your gut and follow your heart, and all will be well.

Today was the last day I'll have my long hair. In a way, I guess I'm grieving...but I'm also excited!

Meep. 23:00.
Good night.

PS: By the way...it isn't easy posting my thoughts and feelings and ponderings and such. I mean, I am still screening a lot of what I'd like to say...but, I'm at least sharing a good fraction of what runs inside my mind. And I share it so that the whole world could see, if they truly wanted to. 1)I know that no more than 32 people have looked at the things I post. 2)I think it's good for me to make myself vulnerable to some extent in some sort of way...to learn. I have a lot to learn--but then everyone always has a lot to learn until the day we die. Meep Okeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Bye for realzies this time. 23:08.

PPS: I lied. Wow..
I need to make sure that readers know...I know I'm down on myself pretty often, I know. But...I only point it out as a way to point it out to myself so that I can read how I felt in the moment, and learn about myself. I say and do a damn great amount of awesome, positive, inspiring and wonderful things. I feel like one of the luckiest people in the world! And I am so happy, so SO happy to be where I am today. I'm even happier because I pushed myself to get to where I am today..I'm proud of myself! And I should be! Yay me!
So I know I don't celebrate and point out all of the awesome things about myself alllllll the time...But......Now that I notice this..I'll try to remember to do that more often when it happens! I just..forget. Because, if I'm in the moment of such happiness and such........I'm not going to be on my laptop, usually, instead I'll be doing something or be with someone and would rather focus on the happy stuff in the moment.
So instead of dwelling in the random spur-of-the-moment-but-is-now-gone feeling of moodiness...I wrote about it..and now it's all gone!

Don't miss understand me, because it is a very easy thing for most people to do.
I, as the person I am, just take some time.
Let the moon phase in and out for a while before deciding on who you think I am.
I am lucky to have those who have stuck by me, no matter how far away they geographically are. <3
23:16.

My To-Do List...

...Before I leave on Thursday.

Tuesday

• DMV --> Car Registration
• Clean out clutter in car
• Clean sheets/laundry
• Clean bedroom
• Put away laundry
• Vacuum apartment thoroughly
• Clean kitchen /  organize fridge/freezer
• Sweep & Mop wherever I can
• Cat Box
• Make "Lists/Directions/Things" sheets for Lauren :p

Wednesday

• Hair
• Carwash/Vacuum
• Pack
• Go climbing
• Steal a kiss from someone*

Bonne nuit...

...That list isn't too bad. :P It's the work hours in the middle of the list that takes up the most amount of time.

1:20.

Ps....LET'S JUST KEEP KILLING PEOPLE & RIDING BEASTS, SHALL WE, GoT!?

To the North and Back!

There are some people that have a vibe to them, a certain glow that surrounds them and extends into those near them.

I have known many people of this sort, but one lady who entered my life most recently and glows so very, very bright, is Lisa Irwin Linksy.

Her heart will never stop growing, her love for music and family is forever inspirational, and I hope that I can aspire to be like her one day.

:) :') <3

CURRENTLY:

I woke Fleur up earlier and now he's just roaming around everywhere; my little adventurer! :')

LATELY:

Well, I always seem to jinx myself. I think jinxing will eventually happen, no matter what, at some point, but I guess I've waited long enough to gush.

I met someone*, completely by chance. About a month and a half ago, I was set up on this really shitty "set up" and, well it went nowhere. But I stayed a little while longer, mustering up enough courage and charm to start a conversation with the attractive guy standing 2 feet away.

Obviously, where I'm going with this is pretty clear.

I wasn't sure what to think for a good while; I had too many questions and self-doubt.

But then when I finally slooooowed the Fuck down and took a moment to really breathe...

I clicked back into place where I felt everything was as it should be, where everything was in balance.

Once I did that, things started going even better.

This guy* is really something. I really applaud his self-drive and motivation to do and continue to do what he loves. His creativity is probably more vast than I can currently imagine, but his humor strikes at every corner; at least, it is when I'm around.

I said this when I met him based off of what I could see and understand at the time: I don't think I've ever been attracted to someone as much I am to him.

But now that I've had a small sliver of time and a chance to get to know him better, I still stand by what I said.

The inspiration that fills the room--much like how it does with Lisa-- is truly astounding!

I like that I see thoughts flicker behind the hazel/green color of his eyes, yet most of the time I am unable to guess what is flashing there. I'm used to always being able to have some sort of idea or guess to the general idea in what people are thinking, but... I like that it isn't as easy with him.

His aura is one similar to Lisa's, as well, though his is shrouded by a thin layer of hazy mist, heavy with lessons yet to be learned about how to decipher his past, how to just be in his present, and how to grow as he enters his future.

Plus, the best compliment I have ever been given came from his mouth.

I strive to be a person that anyone may feel comfortable talking to me, confiding in me, and being able to express or tell me anything.

The fact that I met this man about a month and a half ago and he feels comfortable enough to tell me exactly that, that I have achieved being such a person...

Forever, I know that that is a compliment that will stick with me, no matter where I end up.

COMING UP NEXT:

Tomorrow

-8:30 am, Be at the DMV to pay my car registration that was due back in February

-Work from 9:30-3 at Chuao, & 3:15-5:30 teaching music

-Clean my car out

-Clean my entire apartment (To Do list will follow in next post)

I don't have any specific plans after that, otherwise. Maybe I'll convince someone* to watch a movie with me.

Wednesday

-Chop my hair off to somewhere between my jaw bone and shoulders/more color to my streak

-Maybe grab lunch with someone

-Work from 3:30-6:45 teaching lessons to 5 different students

-Go Home

-Pack for my trip

-Make sure everything is ready and prepared for Lauren to live at my place and use my car while I am away because she is going to take care of my cat!

-Remind people that I wanted to go climbing with them later that night.

-Go climbing for the last time before I return on Sunday, June 28th.

Thursday, June 11-Sunday, June 28th: I leave, roadtrip to the north and back, and return.

Don't worry. I am sure I will have plenty to say while I'm on my trip...my laptop is accompanying me, along with a good assortment of reading material.

Adieu, adieu! 1:10.

Fears

I am fearful of:

1. Being left behind.
2. Not being wanted for the right reasons.
3. Being attacked by something that I am unable to escape; i.e the ocean/creatures in the ocean, scary people.
4. Never being able to give birth to a child someday.
5. Losing my voice. (Because: Singing)
6. Losing a hand. (Because: Writing & Piano)
7. Going blind. (Because: Reading)

Regrets.

14

Regret 7.

7 are valid enough, though, none ever claimed my heart.

For 7, I was tricked. For 4, I really dislike.

3 years to truth and to explore. }Past.
vs.
8 years to mystery. }Past.

I've always been let down, never been lifted up. I'm done with all this trickery. I will not be afraid.