Crywolf

I could have waited for you; I could've waited years.

But it's hard, you know, to wait on someone who doesn't want you, when you aren't even their first choice.

What's worse is I feel like I'm the convenient hole-filler. (Think less dirty and more emotional.)

Either people were off to college, or it was specifically a mutually-convenient fling, or I was just some girl, or we were just friends, or they were rebounding, or I was the new play thing, or they needed companionship before they joined the military, knowing that it was just a fling, and leading me on, or I wasn't good enough to stay true or to just stay, or I'm just ...at the sidelines.

I'm done waiting. I'm just going to go.


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And then you come back in at the most random of moments, hoping I wouldn't notice you checking me out. You think so little of me and still pop back in to remind me of what I miss.

But then, I miss every good moment, ever in my life, because those are the ones that truly count, that remind us how good being human feels.


Song of the Day: Bedroom Eyes - Crywolf & Ianberg

good night. 249.

Storm Warning = PMSing

Ladies & Gentleman, when a girl is going through her pre-menstrual cycle (The "before" her period) or her post-menstrual cycle (The "after" her period), she is often times going to be super clingy and annoying and bitchy, demanding her own way, OR she'll be very awkward and distant, feeling anxious and restless, wanting nothing but to feel normal again.

I...am a good mix of the two, I admit.

I was so busy and in the "go-go-go" mood that I hadn't eaten since Thursday night.
Which means I didn't eat at all Friday. I had many different beverages, but no food.

So last night I couldn't sleep. I was either too warm or too cold. And I just felt a little uncomfortable. I had no idea why!
I ended up going and sleeping on the couch as to not wake Matt up and fell asleep with the cat.

At somepoint in the middle of the night I must have woken up and walked back into the room because I woke up in the bed, not on the couch, and I was not carried back.

I ended up going home once I finally allowed the noises in the room to enter my consciousness and I woke up.

I treated my cat for fleas again, this time with  medicine, not a shampoo, and I completely cleaned out my fridge.

I realized how terrible irritated I was. I blogged--as previously posted, and I went to work.
Ordered food.
Drank water.
And I could feel myself returning. A natural high called "Being Myself Again" was just the dose I needed.
Plus the good company of my coworker, James was pleasant. Is pleasant.

I'm now looking forward to this evening. Before, I was going because it'd be good for me. But I'm excited to be out and about now. :)

Happy days are to stay positive.

18:06.

!!!Storm Warning!!!

The weather was misty and full gloom when I left on my roadtrip.

We started out with my grandparents in their truck with their dog Abby, and me, my mother, my sister, and her boyfriend in the jeep; both vehicles towing campers.

The first place we spent the night had giant ass cockroaches that swarmed everywhere on the ground.
That was also the first time that I smoked a joint with my mom.

The second night was better.

The 3rd day, we made it to my Aunt K's place up in Langley, B.C. We spent a week there.

• Drinking
• Cigarettes
• Pot
• Hash
• Drama
• Tensions
• Sass

But also

• Love
• Warmth
• Family
• Fun
• Happiness
• Belongingness.

I realized that even though through the friends I make, I make my own family, I have a family that loves me and holds me dear. I do belong somewhere, even if I don't always want to be there allllll of the time.

Important side note: I was really happy that I was able to spend time with my Aunt Heather. <3

We left Canada and spent the night in Forks, WA. We did some hiking in the rainforest there and at the beach down at La Push. AMAZING! GORGEOUS! Fun. :)

We went to Edwall, WA next. In the middle of fucking NO WHERE! But...I liked it. We were in the middle of no where, drinking wine, enjoying good food and Highly Missed company, and music, and bonfires, and pot, and warmth. I felt truly at peace there. <3

Walla Walla, WA was interesting. I loved being able to connect with my 3-year-old cousin. It was insanely hot, though. Anywhere east of Seattle was just desert. There were a ton of wheat farms, but other than that, everything looked dead to me. I am so happy that I was able to see my Aunt Becca and my Uncle. Being there was a lot of fun and I am SO happy that I was able to make it to go on this trip.

The drive back was brutal. Let's just summarize it all with one word: ESTROGEN

I'll leave you to your conclusions about my mother and sister.

Finally I was home! So happy!

Only to find out that Vanilla has fleas. So I shampooed her and cleaned the entire apartment (seeing as no one had since I left 17 days prior).

I went climbing later in the week. Hung out with friends. Said goodbye to Lexi who moved back to Boston. Spent a lot of time with Matt.

Had a bonfire. Only 2 people showed up. Most people didn't even tell me that they weren't going to show. They just left me hangin, waiting on them.Clint and Cage. It was "rainy" and no one wanted to drive to where I was saving the bonfire pit for them all day long.
I fucking missed saying goodbye to Trevor because of that. I'm fucking pissed!

But I'm glad that Kai and I got to catch up and spend time together.

Clint ended up dipping out and went to another party, which was understandable. Cage and I ended up moving things to her place down the road. Between darts and wine and good country music, I had an AMAZING night. So I'm really happy that things turned around.

I feel that lately, all I ever do is wait on others.

I drive here, I drive there, I buy this, I do that, I go out of my way to try to do things that will make others happy, and.........I'm left hangin. Waiting. Wondering.

And it's not as if I'm not doing my own thing...because I am. I just try to include others as well.

So.

Maybe I'll just stop including other.
Maybe I'll stop all social networking.
Maybe I'll just go and do where I wanna go and do what I wanna do.

I was able to hang out with Angel and met some of her friends. They seem really awesome. One of them, Greg, is super into music recording and mixing, so we're definitely going to meet up and see what we can come up with.

And things between me and Nuri had been a little off for the past 6 months, but everything seems....better. <3 Which is good. Because he's my bro. I just.....it's going to be hard allowing myself to trust him as much as I once did. Only time will heal.

I'm hormonal. Tired. Hungry (I haven't eaten since...Thursday night when I went to my mother's for family dinner and we ate tacos.
Wait.
No.
Later that night I ate fries from In-n-Out.

I just can't eat.
I can't sleep.
I can't focus.
I'm overly annoyed lately.
I'm confused.
I'm emotionally bruised.

And I feel like I'm just a person to fill spaces until something better comes along.
I don't feel wanted.
I don't feel appreciated.

I'm cranky.
I'm tired.
I just want to cuddle and take a nap without having anything to do all day.

I have a lot to say about what I feel, but I've been suppressing how i feel so that I don't come on too strong to everyone around me.

And I have work in half an hour and haven't showered or eaten yet.
Wish me luck.

...I'll be fine. I always am.

It's just.....It's not easy being strong. It's not easy to hold myself together and not need others. But, I can't need others, because who would I turn to? I can't always turn to my mom, as much as I love her.

Rant over due to time not because my thoughts are silent. My thoughts are raging like a hurricane, swirling my thoughts and emotions and bodily functions up into the air and around and bashing into my rib-cages and heart and stomach and ......k bye.

Happy Fourth?
Sing the star spangled banner whenever you see fireworks! (Or at least, sing it once today)?

14:05

Work is at 14:30. I will be late.

Human

I think too much and say a lot of wrong things.

Sometimes I love to be alone. Sometimes, I feel too alone.
And when that happens, I tend to accidentally smother people.
I've gotten better! I don't smother as much..
I guess it just stems from seeing so many people with a solid group or crew and I'm just..sitting at home with my cat, my piano, my books, and pens and paper, and my laptop.
Which is great! I love having these things and being able to spend some quality time with myself. :)
But
At the same time
All of my thoughts flood and pour into the cracks so that I feel stung, just a little bit.

I simply have to remember that I constantly make sure that there is shit I need to take care of, and that I just need to jump to doing those things.

Being a girl is hard.
Being human is hard.

But it's also beautiful.
Fun.
Inspiring.
Amazing!
Impressive.
Courageous.
Creative.
Colorful.
Lucky.

Trust your gut and follow your heart, and all will be well.

Today was the last day I'll have my long hair. In a way, I guess I'm grieving...but I'm also excited!

Meep. 23:00.
Good night.

PS: By the way...it isn't easy posting my thoughts and feelings and ponderings and such. I mean, I am still screening a lot of what I'd like to say...but, I'm at least sharing a good fraction of what runs inside my mind. And I share it so that the whole world could see, if they truly wanted to. 1)I know that no more than 32 people have looked at the things I post. 2)I think it's good for me to make myself vulnerable to some extent in some sort of way...to learn. I have a lot to learn--but then everyone always has a lot to learn until the day we die. Meep Okeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Bye for realzies this time. 23:08.

PPS: I lied. Wow..
I need to make sure that readers know...I know I'm down on myself pretty often, I know. But...I only point it out as a way to point it out to myself so that I can read how I felt in the moment, and learn about myself. I say and do a damn great amount of awesome, positive, inspiring and wonderful things. I feel like one of the luckiest people in the world! And I am so happy, so SO happy to be where I am today. I'm even happier because I pushed myself to get to where I am today..I'm proud of myself! And I should be! Yay me!
So I know I don't celebrate and point out all of the awesome things about myself alllllll the time...But......Now that I notice this..I'll try to remember to do that more often when it happens! I just..forget. Because, if I'm in the moment of such happiness and such........I'm not going to be on my laptop, usually, instead I'll be doing something or be with someone and would rather focus on the happy stuff in the moment.
So instead of dwelling in the random spur-of-the-moment-but-is-now-gone feeling of moodiness...I wrote about it..and now it's all gone!

Don't miss understand me, because it is a very easy thing for most people to do.
I, as the person I am, just take some time.
Let the moon phase in and out for a while before deciding on who you think I am.
I am lucky to have those who have stuck by me, no matter how far away they geographically are. <3
23:16.

My To-Do List...

...Before I leave on Thursday.

Tuesday

• DMV --> Car Registration
• Clean out clutter in car
• Clean sheets/laundry
• Clean bedroom
• Put away laundry
• Vacuum apartment thoroughly
• Clean kitchen /  organize fridge/freezer
• Sweep & Mop wherever I can
• Cat Box
• Make "Lists/Directions/Things" sheets for Lauren :p

Wednesday

• Hair
• Carwash/Vacuum
• Pack
• Go climbing
• Steal a kiss from someone*

Bonne nuit...

...That list isn't too bad. :P It's the work hours in the middle of the list that takes up the most amount of time.

1:20.

Ps....LET'S JUST KEEP KILLING PEOPLE & RIDING BEASTS, SHALL WE, GoT!?

To the North and Back!

There are some people that have a vibe to them, a certain glow that surrounds them and extends into those near them.

I have known many people of this sort, but one lady who entered my life most recently and glows so very, very bright, is Lisa Irwin Linksy.

Her heart will never stop growing, her love for music and family is forever inspirational, and I hope that I can aspire to be like her one day.

:) :') <3

CURRENTLY:

I woke Fleur up earlier and now he's just roaming around everywhere; my little adventurer! :')

LATELY:

Well, I always seem to jinx myself. I think jinxing will eventually happen, no matter what, at some point, but I guess I've waited long enough to gush.

I met someone*, completely by chance. About a month and a half ago, I was set up on this really shitty "set up" and, well it went nowhere. But I stayed a little while longer, mustering up enough courage and charm to start a conversation with the attractive guy standing 2 feet away.

Obviously, where I'm going with this is pretty clear.

I wasn't sure what to think for a good while; I had too many questions and self-doubt.

But then when I finally slooooowed the Fuck down and took a moment to really breathe...

I clicked back into place where I felt everything was as it should be, where everything was in balance.

Once I did that, things started going even better.

This guy* is really something. I really applaud his self-drive and motivation to do and continue to do what he loves. His creativity is probably more vast than I can currently imagine, but his humor strikes at every corner; at least, it is when I'm around.

I said this when I met him based off of what I could see and understand at the time: I don't think I've ever been attracted to someone as much I am to him.

But now that I've had a small sliver of time and a chance to get to know him better, I still stand by what I said.

The inspiration that fills the room--much like how it does with Lisa-- is truly astounding!

I like that I see thoughts flicker behind the hazel/green color of his eyes, yet most of the time I am unable to guess what is flashing there. I'm used to always being able to have some sort of idea or guess to the general idea in what people are thinking, but... I like that it isn't as easy with him.

His aura is one similar to Lisa's, as well, though his is shrouded by a thin layer of hazy mist, heavy with lessons yet to be learned about how to decipher his past, how to just be in his present, and how to grow as he enters his future.

Plus, the best compliment I have ever been given came from his mouth.

I strive to be a person that anyone may feel comfortable talking to me, confiding in me, and being able to express or tell me anything.

The fact that I met this man about a month and a half ago and he feels comfortable enough to tell me exactly that, that I have achieved being such a person...

Forever, I know that that is a compliment that will stick with me, no matter where I end up.

COMING UP NEXT:

Tomorrow

-8:30 am, Be at the DMV to pay my car registration that was due back in February

-Work from 9:30-3 at Chuao, & 3:15-5:30 teaching music

-Clean my car out

-Clean my entire apartment (To Do list will follow in next post)

I don't have any specific plans after that, otherwise. Maybe I'll convince someone* to watch a movie with me.

Wednesday

-Chop my hair off to somewhere between my jaw bone and shoulders/more color to my streak

-Maybe grab lunch with someone

-Work from 3:30-6:45 teaching lessons to 5 different students

-Go Home

-Pack for my trip

-Make sure everything is ready and prepared for Lauren to live at my place and use my car while I am away because she is going to take care of my cat!

-Remind people that I wanted to go climbing with them later that night.

-Go climbing for the last time before I return on Sunday, June 28th.

Thursday, June 11-Sunday, June 28th: I leave, roadtrip to the north and back, and return.

Don't worry. I am sure I will have plenty to say while I'm on my trip...my laptop is accompanying me, along with a good assortment of reading material.

Adieu, adieu! 1:10.

Fears

I am fearful of:

1. Being left behind.
2. Not being wanted for the right reasons.
3. Being attacked by something that I am unable to escape; i.e the ocean/creatures in the ocean, scary people.
4. Never being able to give birth to a child someday.
5. Losing my voice. (Because: Singing)
6. Losing a hand. (Because: Writing & Piano)
7. Going blind. (Because: Reading)