Emptiness and Space

He doesn't know this yet, but I am actually going to reinforce this "time and space apart" ordeal.

Getting super drunk to that extent? No. Nope! Not okay.

I should feel betrayed, hurt, sad, angry even, but I completely feel nothing.

I need time to process this, and he needs time to understand why he let things get so far.

Good night.

Take care to glance at the moon and Venus this evening. Breathtaking. I'm sure tomorrow will be the same. :)

23:22

Semi-Untouchable

Eyes
Lips
Hair
Lips
Clothes
Lips

Untouchable
Actually liked my food
Self-restraint
Half-jokingly fear
Self-restraint
Embarrassment
Cuddles
Self-restraint
Laughing
Self-restraint
Fear of getting DISEASED
Half-self-restraint
Laughs
Lips
Gives in to 'the lips'
Laughs

Cuddles
Embarrassment
Desire to actually sleep
Tickles (always)
Cuddles
Smiles
Kisses
Goodbyes

Hello lonely bed.

1:38.

Oh so much peace onto seams of those dreams, more please.

Thing 1 and Thing 2

I have these words..

So many words for so many different things running around and around my mind.

1) (Erased.)

2) I am so glad to be home. Mammoth was beautiful, as I am sure it is even MORE beautiful if there was real snow not melting on the mountain side versus the fake snow ice melting on it, but the fact that I was able to get away for the entire weekend without any worries or cares....
Well I did care. I cared that everything was so damned expensive. I cared that it was super dry. I cared that the bed (I have discovered that I think King Size Beds are too big) was uncomfortable...
But mostly, and this is a good point, that I care about the person I went with, knowing that he really cares about me, too.

3) Today marked the Ten Year Anniversary that scarred a fraction of my childhood. R.I.P Jim Phillips. May you have forgiven yourself for those you wronged in your life and if your ghost wanders, I hope you look upon your family in new, clean, healthy eyes.

4) I am scared. Because once before was a fairytale that never came true and I had to slam my brain, heart, and soul into that realization. Another time before, everything clicked into place and everything felt so beautifully right in the world..I was motivated to be a cleaner person than I already was, to quit bad habits,  to eat healthier, to become a better version of who I was and become who I wanted to be....But two paths may run side by side for a lifetime, crossing only once to be tangled for a short while only to be separated again and continue on each other's own way. Both hurt, and the second hurt more than the first, so...if I allow this to happen, if I allow my heart to bare itself to another, I know it will only hurt even more than the first two combined...And I want to! I am just terrified because...

To love and to *be in* love, are two different things.
I happen to be a person that loves so very, very easily. To be in love is something that I have only briefly scratched the surface of before everything changed and I was on my own again, only to love myself.

I love easily. I do love, all the time!

I guess what I'm terrified of is how long it will take this heart of mine to feel safe enough that it wants to be in love, but more than just a scratchy surface.

I'm scared that it will take too long to realize, or that I will be the disappointing factor.

With this, I can't be number one. So how do I be number two, but just as important as number one?

Cannot Be Bothered

I cannot be bothered to count how long it has been since I last posted.

Allow me to summarize how things have gone since the 17th:

-Kaylin cannot be bothered to respond to me or even tell me of big life decisions. {I instead have been left to hear things 3rd hand from my mother}

-Dylan and I have been dating for a month. Serious words in silly conversations. Or was it silly words in serious conversations? Time flies by, and we both know that we just dislike not being able to see each other every day.

-Roomie: She's been on a mini trip visiting her family, and she'll be leaving again soon with her boyfriend to visit Texas.

-Classes have been great. I got a B on my first test in my Psych class. (NOISE-CANCELLATION HEADPHONES ROCK!) And I have decided to not drop my Humanities class, but only because I wouldn't have been refunded for the class.

-I went hiking and spent the day with my mother and grandmother. Us 3 generations eventually went and got some specific papers that now allows us to be greener and healthier people.

-I haven't put my laundry away yet. I believe it's been almost a week now, sitting there in the basket on my floor.

-Dylan has finished Season 1 of Game Of Thrones LAST NIGHT! That happened after we both napped the afternoon away because..life.

-Gilmore Girls is still sad to me, at the moment.

-I'm going camping this weekend with the boiz. JOSHUA TREE

-My mother turns 37 on Sunday. I have something super duper uber planned that she (and myself) will loooooooooooooooove.

I have been wanting to write more. I'm just...more busy now.
I promise to be better! And to read more! As soon as GIlmore Girls is over, I'm going in a reading binge. OLD! NEW! CLASSICS! I'mma read until I get sick of it (unlikely)!

Tootles! <3
13:35.

PS: I wonder if when we are hyper-sensitive to all physical senses, we are equally as hyper-sensitive to spiritual senses?^