Crywolf

I could have waited for you; I could've waited years.

But it's hard, you know, to wait on someone who doesn't want you, when you aren't even their first choice.

What's worse is I feel like I'm the convenient hole-filler. (Think less dirty and more emotional.)

Either people were off to college, or it was specifically a mutually-convenient fling, or I was just some girl, or we were just friends, or they were rebounding, or I was the new play thing, or they needed companionship before they joined the military, knowing that it was just a fling, and leading me on, or I wasn't good enough to stay true or to just stay, or I'm just ...at the sidelines.

I'm done waiting. I'm just going to go.


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And then you come back in at the most random of moments, hoping I wouldn't notice you checking me out. You think so little of me and still pop back in to remind me of what I miss.

But then, I miss every good moment, ever in my life, because those are the ones that truly count, that remind us how good being human feels.


Song of the Day: Bedroom Eyes - Crywolf & Ianberg

good night. 249.

Storm Warning = PMSing

Ladies & Gentleman, when a girl is going through her pre-menstrual cycle (The "before" her period) or her post-menstrual cycle (The "after" her period), she is often times going to be super clingy and annoying and bitchy, demanding her own way, OR she'll be very awkward and distant, feeling anxious and restless, wanting nothing but to feel normal again.

I...am a good mix of the two, I admit.

I was so busy and in the "go-go-go" mood that I hadn't eaten since Thursday night.
Which means I didn't eat at all Friday. I had many different beverages, but no food.

So last night I couldn't sleep. I was either too warm or too cold. And I just felt a little uncomfortable. I had no idea why!
I ended up going and sleeping on the couch as to not wake Matt up and fell asleep with the cat.

At somepoint in the middle of the night I must have woken up and walked back into the room because I woke up in the bed, not on the couch, and I was not carried back.

I ended up going home once I finally allowed the noises in the room to enter my consciousness and I woke up.

I treated my cat for fleas again, this time with  medicine, not a shampoo, and I completely cleaned out my fridge.

I realized how terrible irritated I was. I blogged--as previously posted, and I went to work.
Ordered food.
Drank water.
And I could feel myself returning. A natural high called "Being Myself Again" was just the dose I needed.
Plus the good company of my coworker, James was pleasant. Is pleasant.

I'm now looking forward to this evening. Before, I was going because it'd be good for me. But I'm excited to be out and about now. :)

Happy days are to stay positive.

18:06.

!!!Storm Warning!!!

The weather was misty and full gloom when I left on my roadtrip.

We started out with my grandparents in their truck with their dog Abby, and me, my mother, my sister, and her boyfriend in the jeep; both vehicles towing campers.

The first place we spent the night had giant ass cockroaches that swarmed everywhere on the ground.
That was also the first time that I smoked a joint with my mom.

The second night was better.

The 3rd day, we made it to my Aunt K's place up in Langley, B.C. We spent a week there.

• Drinking
• Cigarettes
• Pot
• Hash
• Drama
• Tensions
• Sass

But also

• Love
• Warmth
• Family
• Fun
• Happiness
• Belongingness.

I realized that even though through the friends I make, I make my own family, I have a family that loves me and holds me dear. I do belong somewhere, even if I don't always want to be there allllll of the time.

Important side note: I was really happy that I was able to spend time with my Aunt Heather. <3

We left Canada and spent the night in Forks, WA. We did some hiking in the rainforest there and at the beach down at La Push. AMAZING! GORGEOUS! Fun. :)

We went to Edwall, WA next. In the middle of fucking NO WHERE! But...I liked it. We were in the middle of no where, drinking wine, enjoying good food and Highly Missed company, and music, and bonfires, and pot, and warmth. I felt truly at peace there. <3

Walla Walla, WA was interesting. I loved being able to connect with my 3-year-old cousin. It was insanely hot, though. Anywhere east of Seattle was just desert. There were a ton of wheat farms, but other than that, everything looked dead to me. I am so happy that I was able to see my Aunt Becca and my Uncle. Being there was a lot of fun and I am SO happy that I was able to make it to go on this trip.

The drive back was brutal. Let's just summarize it all with one word: ESTROGEN

I'll leave you to your conclusions about my mother and sister.

Finally I was home! So happy!

Only to find out that Vanilla has fleas. So I shampooed her and cleaned the entire apartment (seeing as no one had since I left 17 days prior).

I went climbing later in the week. Hung out with friends. Said goodbye to Lexi who moved back to Boston. Spent a lot of time with Matt.

Had a bonfire. Only 2 people showed up. Most people didn't even tell me that they weren't going to show. They just left me hangin, waiting on them.Clint and Cage. It was "rainy" and no one wanted to drive to where I was saving the bonfire pit for them all day long.
I fucking missed saying goodbye to Trevor because of that. I'm fucking pissed!

But I'm glad that Kai and I got to catch up and spend time together.

Clint ended up dipping out and went to another party, which was understandable. Cage and I ended up moving things to her place down the road. Between darts and wine and good country music, I had an AMAZING night. So I'm really happy that things turned around.

I feel that lately, all I ever do is wait on others.

I drive here, I drive there, I buy this, I do that, I go out of my way to try to do things that will make others happy, and.........I'm left hangin. Waiting. Wondering.

And it's not as if I'm not doing my own thing...because I am. I just try to include others as well.

So.

Maybe I'll just stop including other.
Maybe I'll stop all social networking.
Maybe I'll just go and do where I wanna go and do what I wanna do.

I was able to hang out with Angel and met some of her friends. They seem really awesome. One of them, Greg, is super into music recording and mixing, so we're definitely going to meet up and see what we can come up with.

And things between me and Nuri had been a little off for the past 6 months, but everything seems....better. <3 Which is good. Because he's my bro. I just.....it's going to be hard allowing myself to trust him as much as I once did. Only time will heal.

I'm hormonal. Tired. Hungry (I haven't eaten since...Thursday night when I went to my mother's for family dinner and we ate tacos.
Wait.
No.
Later that night I ate fries from In-n-Out.

I just can't eat.
I can't sleep.
I can't focus.
I'm overly annoyed lately.
I'm confused.
I'm emotionally bruised.

And I feel like I'm just a person to fill spaces until something better comes along.
I don't feel wanted.
I don't feel appreciated.

I'm cranky.
I'm tired.
I just want to cuddle and take a nap without having anything to do all day.

I have a lot to say about what I feel, but I've been suppressing how i feel so that I don't come on too strong to everyone around me.

And I have work in half an hour and haven't showered or eaten yet.
Wish me luck.

...I'll be fine. I always am.

It's just.....It's not easy being strong. It's not easy to hold myself together and not need others. But, I can't need others, because who would I turn to? I can't always turn to my mom, as much as I love her.

Rant over due to time not because my thoughts are silent. My thoughts are raging like a hurricane, swirling my thoughts and emotions and bodily functions up into the air and around and bashing into my rib-cages and heart and stomach and ......k bye.

Happy Fourth?
Sing the star spangled banner whenever you see fireworks! (Or at least, sing it once today)?

14:05

Work is at 14:30. I will be late.